I have been using your wife joke

phone
A man received a message from his neighbor:
"Sorry sir, I have been using your wife for a while, day and night. I am using when you are
not present at home. In fact, I am using more than you are using.I confess this now because
I feel very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies"

So the man shot his wife.
A few minutes later he received another message:
“Sorry sir, spelling mistake. It is wifi not wife.”

Thanks Shaun!

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy Joke

man with arm in sling
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Thanks Jim K!

My Husband Died Last Night Joke

My Husband Died Last Night JokeMary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, he said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

Thanks Jim K!