No thanks, I'm the driver...

image: No thanks, I'm the driver...

An 80 Year Old Man, a Pregnant Teenager, and a Umbrella

An 80-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That iss impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"Thats kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

Thanks Mark M.!

Mrs O'Malley, Father Timothy, and a Candle (Joke)

image: shamrock
Mrs. O'Malley was walking down Mill Road in Killorglin when she met Father Timothy.
The Father said, "Good Morning to you! Aren't you Mrs. O'Malley and didn't I marry you and your husband 1 year ago?"
She replied, "Sure, that you did, Father."
The Father asked, "And would there be there a little one yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for you and your husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank you, Father." Then they went their separate ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. O'Malley, how are you these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have you been blessed with any young ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twin boys and 4 girls, 10 all together"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is your loving other half doing?"
She replied, "Well, he's gone to Rome to blow out your bloody candle."

Source: Catholic Humor

An Old Marine Pilot and a Lesbian Joke

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the bar, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup a draft beer.
As he sat sipping his beer, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women... As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Thanks Joe L. for forwarding this joke!