A Bartender and a Patron with No Arms Joke

image: bartender working
A man with no arms walked into a bar. He ordered a beer, and asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his back pocket since he had no arms.

The bartender reached in to the man’s back pocket and took out the money. The armless man then asked if the bartender would put the glass up to his lips so he could drink his beer. The bartender put the beer to the man’s lips and tipped it in his mouth. He then asked if the barman would get a napkin and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and remarked that it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to help him do all those things.

The man said, "Yes, it is. By the way, where is the bathroom?"

The bartender replied, "The nearest bathroom is at the gas station two blocks east of here."

I don't always sin but when I do....

image: I go to confession

Batman, A Nun, and a Drunk Joke

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"

Thanks for forwarding Johnny F.

A Cab Driver, a Drunk, and a Bottle of Whiskey Joke

image: taxi
A cab driver gets a call to pick up a guy at a bar. He goes to the bar and finds that his new fare had been drinking all day.  The cab driver didn't care, and helped the drunk into the back seat of the taxi.

After getting directions back to the drunk’s place, the drunk and the cab driver start chatting.

The drunk leans into the front seat and asks, "Hey cab driver! Do you think you have room in the front for a case of beer and a bottle of whiskey?"

The cab driver says, "Okay, not a problem."

The drunk then vomits all over the front seat of the taxi.

Bob, Mary, and a Bar Hooker Joke

image: attractive woman
Bob and his wife Mary went on a trip to Vegas for their 25th wedding anniversary. After they entered the casino and checked in, an attractive young woman dressed in a very sexy dress walked up to Bob.  She introduced herself as Heather, and started to make small talk. Bob blew her off.

Mary said, “Bob, that young lady was nice and polite, and you were very rude.”

“Mary, she’s a call girl.”

“I can't believe that! That sweet young thing?”

“Let’s go up to the hotel room and I’ll prove she's a call girl.”

They entered the room and Bob called down to the reception desk and asked for ‘Heather’ to come to his room. “OK,” he said to his wife, “you hide in the closet with the door open just enough to hear us.” After about four or five minutes, there was a knock on the door. Bob opened it and Heather walked right in, looking very attractive.

Bob asked, “What do you charge for sex?”

“$200 per hour,” Heather responded.

“$200 per hour! I was thinking more around $50 per hour.” Bob said.

“You must be crazy if you think you can get sex at that low price.” Heather replied.

“Well, that's too high.” said Bob, “I guess you should just leave, Heather.”

After she left, Mary came out of the closet. She said, “I can’t believe it, but you were correct!”

Bob said, “Let’s forget all about it. Why don't we go have a drink.”

At the pub as they sipped their drinks, Heather came up behind Bob, pointed at Mary, and said, “See what you get for $50?”

The Devil in a Packed Bar Joke

image: devil
The Devil walks into a packed bar. Once people noticed the devil, the bar emptied with people running out the door screaming for help. Every one ran out except for one middle aged man sitting at the bar. The Devil walks over to where the man is seated and says "Don't you know I'm the Devil?"

The man sitting at the bar took another sip of his drink and says, "I know who you are."

The Devil shook his head at the man and said, "Well aren't you scared?"

The man looks at the Devil and shrugs "No, I've been married to your sister for 23 years. Why would I be scared of you?"

A Mother, 3 Sons, and a Religious Parrot Joke

image: parrot
Three fine sons left home, went out on their own and prospered much. After many years, getting back together, they discussed the gifts they recently purchased for their elderly mother.

The first son said, "I built a big new house for mother."

The second son said, "I sent her a new Cadillac and a year round driver."

The third son smiled and said: "If this was a contest I would be the winner. You remember how Mom loves reading the Bible? And you know shes older and can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took many priests 10 years to teach him.  He's one of a kind.  Mother just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her thank you letters:

"Johnny," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so big...I live in only one room, but I have to clean the entire house."

"Richard," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home most of the time, so I rarely use the Cadillac.  And the driver can't speak English very well!"

"Dear Greg," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother loves.  The chicken was delicious."

A Twenty-Dollar Bill, a Bible, and a Bottle of Whiskey Joke

image: peep hole
An older couple had a son, who at 22 years of age was still living at home and unemployed. They decided to do a small test. They took a twenty-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the dining room table, and hid, in a nearby closet.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunk."

So, the parents waited patiently, hiding in the nearby closet with a direct view of the dining room table. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son looked at the items left on the table. Immediately, he took the twenty-dollar bill, and slid it in his pocket. Next, he picked up the bible, flipped through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle of whiskey, opened it and took a swig. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father looked at his wife, and said: "Honey, our boy is going to be a politician!"

Source: Catholic Humor

Pothead in an Appliance Store Joke

image: pot smoker
A pothead walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"

The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell anything to potheads."

So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV.

A week or so later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"

And the owner replies, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.

He comes back a month or so later and says, "How much for that TV?"

The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell anything to potheads!"

The stoner looks back at the owner and asks, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"

The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

Wrong Way Joke

image: wrong way
A man who had too much to drink was driving down the freeway, and his cell phone rang. He fumbled for the phone, and after he answered he heard his wife's voice warning him, "Tom, I just heard on the radio that there's a car going the wrong way on expressway 75. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Tom. "It's hundreds of them!"

Amazed at the Beach Joke

image: beach
A guy is walking along the beach when a beautiful young woman in a skintight wet suit walks up to him. She unzips the wet suit a little and removes a cigar. She then lights the cigar and places it between his lips.

He's stunned. She then unzips her wet suit a little further and pulls out an ice-cold bottle of beer and hands it to the guy. He’s amazed.

She then unzips the wet suit to just near her belly button and says, "Do you want to play around?"
He asks, "You have golf clubs in there?"

Gone Fishing Joke

image: gone fishing
One cold winter a man came home very drunk, like so many nights before, to find out his wife was so upset that she had locked him out of the house. The drunk man decided to spend the night in his garage because he knew there was camping equipment and blankets stored in a few cabinets.

As he rummaged through the gear, he came upon some ice fishing rods and an ice saw, and he had a amazing idea...he would leave and go ice fishing at a nearby lake!

He was so drunk that he decided he would just walk to the lake, which was less than a mile away. He managed to stagger his way on to the ice, set up his stuff and began sawing a small hole in the ice.

From up above he heard a very loud booming voice say, “YOU WON'T FIND ANY FISH UNDER THAT ICE!”

The drunk looked up at the heavens and shook his head as he thought he had too much to drink and was hearing things. He continued to saw the hole in the ice, but once again he heard the loud booming voice from up above say, “YOU WON'T FIND ANY FISH UNDER THAT ICE!”

The drunk stopped and looked up at the heavens and asked, “God? Is that you trying to tell me I should not ice fish?”

The voice replied, “NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK!”

The Farmer Brown Interview (Joke)

image: farm hand
Rob, a young journalism graduate from the University of Alabama, had gone to work for the Chicago Sun Times. His first assignment was to write a human interest story. An idea came to Rob and he returned to
one of the most remote areas in his home state of Alabama .

Deep in the woods, Rob came upon a farmer's house and decided this would be an excellent place to start.

Rob introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Brown) agreed to answer his questions.

Rob asked Farmer Brown what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer Brown replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”

“I can't print that,” said Rob the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Brown thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a pretty lookin' young gal. We formed a posse and found her. After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy.”

Again Rob knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different approach. He asked Farmer Brown, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad and unhappy?”

Farmer Brown hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once...."

Thanks Joe L.

Nymphomaniac Convention Joke

image: airplane
An Irish man boards an airplane. As he gets comfortable, he looks up and sees a very stunning woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards the seat next to him. As expected, she takes that seat. Wanting to strike up a conversation with the woman, he says, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention."

The Irishman is instantly overcome with excitement. Here's the most attractive woman he has ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Trying to maintain his cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business part at the convention?"

She says, "I’m a guest speaker. I use my experiences to reduce some of the popular myths about sex." "Really," he says, "what myths are you speaking about?"

"Well," she says, "one very popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed. When, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to have that title."

"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when really it's the Jewish descent." Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be telling this to you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto. Tonto Goldstein," the man responds.

Anything for $50 Joke

image: paint
A man is sitting at the bar when an absolutely beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "For fifty dollars I'll do anything you like."

The man starts going through his pockets looking for cash. He pulls out two twenties, and ten ones.

He takes the crumbled up cash and puts it into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint the exterior of my house."