Joke - A young student nurse gives a sponge bath

image: man in hospital bed
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

98 year old Mother Superior

image:cow
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die." 

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow.

Forwarded by Joel P.
Source: www.catholichumor.com

The Sex Addict

Image: Beer
When John and Mary first got married John said, “I am a sex addict, and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look inside it.”

In all of their 35 years of marriage, Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 35th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were three empty beer cans, and $874.30 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such unusual contents.

That evening they were out for their anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the three beer cans in the box?”

John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Tonya, Beth and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen, and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”

John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and kissed.

A little while later Mary asked John, “So why do you have all that cash in the box?”

John answered; “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling bin and redeemed them for cash.”

The Baptist, The Rabbi, and the Priest Joke

image: funny priest
Source: Catholic Humor
Two Irishmen are sitting at a tavern having a beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them says, "Oh, it's a shame to see a man of the church going in there."

Then they watch a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman says, "Oh, it's a shame to see that the Jews are falling victim to sins of the flesh."

Then they watch a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen says, "What a terrible thing. It appears one of the girls must be quite sick."

Where is the bar owner joke

A guy walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
image: bar
"Sure, that will be a nickel."
"Five cents???" remarked the guy.
The bartender replied "Yeppers."
So the guy says "I'm hungry. I'll have a club sandwich, with fries."
"Sure thing!" says the bartender, “but that will be fifty cents."
"Fifty cents!" yells the guy. "Where's the owner of this pub?"
The bartender responds, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy asks, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same thing I'm doing to his business."

Broken Taillight Joke

squad car
Greg and Monica were on their way home from a party one night, and Greg was pulled over by the police. The officer told Greg that he was stopped because his back taillight was burned out. Greg said, "I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out. I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Monica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you five days ago to get that tail light fixed."

The officer then asked for Greg’s license, and after looking at it said, "Sir, your license is expired."

And again Greg apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Monica said, "I told you a month ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, Greg is a bit upset with his wife for contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Monica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Monica and asked,” Does your husband always talk to you like that?"


Monica replied, "Only when he's drunk."

Archbishop Joseph W. Tobin, keynote plenary presenter at the Guest House Leadership Conference

A Guest House Alumnus reflects on how alcoholism affects priestly life, ministry and the efficacy of pastoral care. His thoughts on the occupational hazards of priests and what is the return on investment if one seeks treatment for addiction are very thought provoking. Many anecdotes are shared throughout. He addresses the Guest House raised cup icon which represents the grace of God that made it possible for him to continue to celebrate the Eucharist, while at the same time can be interpreted as two hands supporting a head of a person in despair. Why bother treating an alcoholic priest? He offers an answer that reflects the true spirit of Christianity.