Wild Flower Cartoon

Wild Flower Cartoon

Out for a Night with the Girls Joke

image: cukoo clock
The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Thanks Tom M.

Coffee Machine Harassment

image: coffee machine
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
"It's Frank. The Midget."

Forwarded by Jim K.

A Drunk in a Grocery Store

image: grocery store girl
A woman was shopping at her neighborhood grocery store where she put the following items in her basket: one dozen large eggs, one pound of honey ham, one box of brownie mix, one twelve pack of soda, two pounds of coffee, and one-half gallon of butter milk.

As she was placing her items on the conveyor belt at the checkout, a drunk man standing behind her watched very closely. As the cashier was totaling her items, the drunk boldly stated, “You must be single."

The woman was taken off guard, but she was intrigued by the drunk’s prediction, since she was in fact a single girl. She looked at her food items on the counter and saw nothing unusual about her purchase that could have informed the drunk that she was single.

Curiously, she said, "Yes, you're right. But how in the world did you know that?"

The drunk slurred, "‘because you're ugly as sin. "

An 80 Year Old Man, a Pregnant Teenager, and a Umbrella

An 80-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That iss impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"Thats kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

Thanks Mark M.!

Mrs O'Malley, Father Timothy, and a Candle (Joke)

image: shamrock
Mrs. O'Malley was walking down Mill Road in Killorglin when she met Father Timothy.
The Father said, "Good Morning to you! Aren't you Mrs. O'Malley and didn't I marry you and your husband 1 year ago?"
She replied, "Sure, that you did, Father."
The Father asked, "And would there be there a little one yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for you and your husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank you, Father." Then they went their separate ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. O'Malley, how are you these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have you been blessed with any young ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twin boys and 4 girls, 10 all together"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is your loving other half doing?"
She replied, "Well, he's gone to Rome to blow out your bloody candle."

Source: Catholic Humor

An Old Marine Pilot and a Lesbian Joke

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the bar, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup a draft beer.
As he sat sipping his beer, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women... As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Thanks Joe L. for forwarding this joke!

A Bartender and a Patron with No Arms Joke

image: bartender working
A man with no arms walked into a bar. He ordered a beer, and asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his back pocket since he had no arms.

The bartender reached in to the man’s back pocket and took out the money. The armless man then asked if the bartender would put the glass up to his lips so he could drink his beer. The bartender put the beer to the man’s lips and tipped it in his mouth. He then asked if the barman would get a napkin and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and remarked that it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to help him do all those things.

The man said, "Yes, it is. By the way, where is the bathroom?"

The bartender replied, "The nearest bathroom is at the gas station two blocks east of here."

Batman, A Nun, and a Drunk Joke

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"

Thanks for forwarding Johnny F.

A Cab Driver, a Drunk, and a Bottle of Whiskey Joke

image: taxi
A cab driver gets a call to pick up a guy at a bar. He goes to the bar and finds that his new fare had been drinking all day.  The cab driver didn't care, and helped the drunk into the back seat of the taxi.

After getting directions back to the drunk’s place, the drunk and the cab driver start chatting.

The drunk leans into the front seat and asks, "Hey cab driver! Do you think you have room in the front for a case of beer and a bottle of whiskey?"

The cab driver says, "Okay, not a problem."

The drunk then vomits all over the front seat of the taxi.

Bob, Mary, and a Bar Hooker Joke

image: attractive woman
Bob and his wife Mary went on a trip to Vegas for their 25th wedding anniversary. After they entered the casino and checked in, an attractive young woman dressed in a very sexy dress walked up to Bob.  She introduced herself as Heather, and started to make small talk. Bob blew her off.

Mary said, “Bob, that young lady was nice and polite, and you were very rude.”

“Mary, she’s a call girl.”

“I can't believe that! That sweet young thing?”

“Let’s go up to the hotel room and I’ll prove she's a call girl.”

They entered the room and Bob called down to the reception desk and asked for ‘Heather’ to come to his room. “OK,” he said to his wife, “you hide in the closet with the door open just enough to hear us.” After about four or five minutes, there was a knock on the door. Bob opened it and Heather walked right in, looking very attractive.

Bob asked, “What do you charge for sex?”

“$200 per hour,” Heather responded.

“$200 per hour! I was thinking more around $50 per hour.” Bob said.

“You must be crazy if you think you can get sex at that low price.” Heather replied.

“Well, that's too high.” said Bob, “I guess you should just leave, Heather.”

After she left, Mary came out of the closet. She said, “I can’t believe it, but you were correct!”

Bob said, “Let’s forget all about it. Why don't we go have a drink.”

At the pub as they sipped their drinks, Heather came up behind Bob, pointed at Mary, and said, “See what you get for $50?”

The Devil in a Packed Bar Joke

image: devil
The Devil walks into a packed bar. Once people noticed the devil, the bar emptied with people running out the door screaming for help. Every one ran out except for one middle aged man sitting at the bar. The Devil walks over to where the man is seated and says "Don't you know I'm the Devil?"

The man sitting at the bar took another sip of his drink and says, "I know who you are."

The Devil shook his head at the man and said, "Well aren't you scared?"

The man looks at the Devil and shrugs "No, I've been married to your sister for 23 years. Why would I be scared of you?"

A Mother, 3 Sons, and a Religious Parrot Joke

image: parrot
Three fine sons left home, went out on their own and prospered much. After many years, getting back together, they discussed the gifts they recently purchased for their elderly mother.

The first son said, "I built a big new house for mother."

The second son said, "I sent her a new Cadillac and a year round driver."

The third son smiled and said: "If this was a contest I would be the winner. You remember how Mom loves reading the Bible? And you know shes older and can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took many priests 10 years to teach him.  He's one of a kind.  Mother just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her thank you letters:

"Johnny," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so big...I live in only one room, but I have to clean the entire house."

"Richard," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home most of the time, so I rarely use the Cadillac.  And the driver can't speak English very well!"

"Dear Greg," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother loves.  The chicken was delicious."

A Twenty-Dollar Bill, a Bible, and a Bottle of Whiskey Joke

image: peep hole
An older couple had a son, who at 22 years of age was still living at home and unemployed. They decided to do a small test. They took a twenty-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the dining room table, and hid, in a nearby closet.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunk."

So, the parents waited patiently, hiding in the nearby closet with a direct view of the dining room table. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son looked at the items left on the table. Immediately, he took the twenty-dollar bill, and slid it in his pocket. Next, he picked up the bible, flipped through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle of whiskey, opened it and took a swig. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father looked at his wife, and said: "Honey, our boy is going to be a politician!"

Source: Catholic Humor

Pothead in an Appliance Store Joke

image: pot smoker
A pothead walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"

The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell anything to potheads."

So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV.

A week or so later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"

And the owner replies, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.

He comes back a month or so later and says, "How much for that TV?"

The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell anything to potheads!"

The stoner looks back at the owner and asks, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"

The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

Wrong Way Joke

image: wrong way
A man who had too much to drink was driving down the freeway, and his cell phone rang. He fumbled for the phone, and after he answered he heard his wife's voice warning him, "Tom, I just heard on the radio that there's a car going the wrong way on expressway 75. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Tom. "It's hundreds of them!"

Amazed at the Beach Joke

image: beach
A guy is walking along the beach when a beautiful young woman in a skintight wet suit walks up to him. She unzips the wet suit a little and removes a cigar. She then lights the cigar and places it between his lips.

He's stunned. She then unzips her wet suit a little further and pulls out an ice-cold bottle of beer and hands it to the guy. He’s amazed.

She then unzips the wet suit to just near her belly button and says, "Do you want to play around?"
He asks, "You have golf clubs in there?"

Gone Fishing Joke

image: gone fishing
One cold winter a man came home very drunk, like so many nights before, to find out his wife was so upset that she had locked him out of the house. The drunk man decided to spend the night in his garage because he knew there was camping equipment and blankets stored in a few cabinets.

As he rummaged through the gear, he came upon some ice fishing rods and an ice saw, and he had a amazing idea...he would leave and go ice fishing at a nearby lake!

He was so drunk that he decided he would just walk to the lake, which was less than a mile away. He managed to stagger his way on to the ice, set up his stuff and began sawing a small hole in the ice.

From up above he heard a very loud booming voice say, “YOU WON'T FIND ANY FISH UNDER THAT ICE!”

The drunk looked up at the heavens and shook his head as he thought he had too much to drink and was hearing things. He continued to saw the hole in the ice, but once again he heard the loud booming voice from up above say, “YOU WON'T FIND ANY FISH UNDER THAT ICE!”

The drunk stopped and looked up at the heavens and asked, “God? Is that you trying to tell me I should not ice fish?”

The voice replied, “NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK!”

The Farmer Brown Interview (Joke)

image: farm hand
Rob, a young journalism graduate from the University of Alabama, had gone to work for the Chicago Sun Times. His first assignment was to write a human interest story. An idea came to Rob and he returned to
one of the most remote areas in his home state of Alabama .

Deep in the woods, Rob came upon a farmer's house and decided this would be an excellent place to start.

Rob introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Brown) agreed to answer his questions.

Rob asked Farmer Brown what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer Brown replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”

“I can't print that,” said Rob the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Brown thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a pretty lookin' young gal. We formed a posse and found her. After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy.”

Again Rob knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different approach. He asked Farmer Brown, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad and unhappy?”

Farmer Brown hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once...."

Thanks Joe L.

Nymphomaniac Convention Joke

image: airplane
An Irish man boards an airplane. As he gets comfortable, he looks up and sees a very stunning woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards the seat next to him. As expected, she takes that seat. Wanting to strike up a conversation with the woman, he says, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention."

The Irishman is instantly overcome with excitement. Here's the most attractive woman he has ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Trying to maintain his cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business part at the convention?"

She says, "I’m a guest speaker. I use my experiences to reduce some of the popular myths about sex." "Really," he says, "what myths are you speaking about?"

"Well," she says, "one very popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed. When, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to have that title."

"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when really it's the Jewish descent." Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be telling this to you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto. Tonto Goldstein," the man responds.

Anything for $50 Joke

image: paint
A man is sitting at the bar when an absolutely beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "For fifty dollars I'll do anything you like."

The man starts going through his pockets looking for cash. He pulls out two twenties, and ten ones.

He takes the crumbled up cash and puts it into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint the exterior of my house."

Joke - A young student nurse gives a sponge bath

image: man in hospital bed
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

98 year old Mother Superior

The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die." 

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow.

Forwarded by Joel P.
Source: www.catholichumor.com

The Sex Addict

Image: Beer
When John and Mary first got married John said, “I am a sex addict, and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look inside it.”

In all of their 35 years of marriage, Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 35th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were three empty beer cans, and $874.30 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such unusual contents.

That evening they were out for their anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the three beer cans in the box?”

John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Tonya, Beth and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen, and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”

John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and kissed.

A little while later Mary asked John, “So why do you have all that cash in the box?”

John answered; “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling bin and redeemed them for cash.”

The Baptist, The Rabbi, and the Priest Joke

image: funny priest
Source: Catholic Humor
Two Irishmen are sitting at a tavern having a beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them says, "Oh, it's a shame to see a man of the church going in there."

Then they watch a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman says, "Oh, it's a shame to see that the Jews are falling victim to sins of the flesh."

Then they watch a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen says, "What a terrible thing. It appears one of the girls must be quite sick."

Where is the bar owner joke

A guy walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
image: bar
"Sure, that will be a nickel."
"Five cents???" remarked the guy.
The bartender replied "Yeppers."
So the guy says "I'm hungry. I'll have a club sandwich, with fries."
"Sure thing!" says the bartender, “but that will be fifty cents."
"Fifty cents!" yells the guy. "Where's the owner of this pub?"
The bartender responds, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy asks, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same thing I'm doing to his business."

Broken Taillight Joke

squad car
Greg and Monica were on their way home from a party one night, and Greg was pulled over by the police. The officer told Greg that he was stopped because his back taillight was burned out. Greg said, "I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out. I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Monica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you five days ago to get that tail light fixed."

The officer then asked for Greg’s license, and after looking at it said, "Sir, your license is expired."

And again Greg apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Monica said, "I told you a month ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, Greg is a bit upset with his wife for contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Monica, shut your mouth!"

The officer then leaned over toward Monica and asked,” Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Monica replied, "Only when he's drunk."

Archbishop Joseph W. Tobin, keynote plenary presenter at the Guest House Leadership Conference

A Guest House Alumnus reflects on how alcoholism affects priestly life, ministry and the efficacy of pastoral care. His thoughts on the occupational hazards of priests and what is the return on investment if one seeks treatment for addiction are very thought provoking. Many anecdotes are shared throughout. He addresses the Guest House raised cup icon which represents the grace of God that made it possible for him to continue to celebrate the Eucharist, while at the same time can be interpreted as two hands supporting a head of a person in despair. Why bother treating an alcoholic priest? He offers an answer that reflects the true spirit of Christianity.

Irish Pick-Up Line

Image: LOL
An Irishman was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him, so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe."
She replies, "What? You mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table
later when I'm drunk."

Sent by: Midnight Joe