The Cowboy Joke

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Sent by Raymond R.

A priest, a preacher and a Rabbi walked into a bar


A priest, a preacher and a Rabbi walked into their favorite bar, where they would get together two or three times a week for drinks and to talk shop.

On this particular afternoon, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Sent by Larry the funny guy.

Executive Management Joke


An Indian walks into a bar with a rifle in one hand and a bucket of cow manure in the other. He says to the bartender, "Me want coffee".

The bartender says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the rifle, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his rifle in one hand and a bucket of cow manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the bartender, "Me want coffee". The bartender says "Hey. We’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyhow?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for executive management job. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the sh*t, and disappear for the rest of the day."

Q: How many binge-drinkers does it take to change a lightbulb?


Q: How many binge-drinkers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Four. Three to change the lightbulb and one to vomit on your shoes.

Teddy Bear Joke

A woman walks into bar and sits next to a handsome man. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together, and go back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that a wall in his bedroom is completely filled with three shelves of soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears on three shelves carefully placed in rows and lovingly arranged. She is immediately touched by the amount of thought he had in organizing his collection, with the small bears on the bottom and the huge enormous bears along the top shelf. That such as large, masculine man should be so caring and sensitive it beyond belief. They share a bottle of wine and talk and after awhile, she thinks, 'Oh my God! maybe this is the one! The future father of my children?' They kiss, the passion builds and they make their way back to the bedroom for a night of mad passionate lovemaking. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they lie there together in the warm afterglow and she gently asks while stroking his hairy chest, 'Well, how was it?' The sensitive guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'

Sent by Raymond R.

Birthday Joke

I was telling a girl in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said, "Well go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she started to lose patience and said."Come on, what day was I born"? I replied, “Yesterday."

Two Blondes Joke


Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered.

They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"

Sent by Rommie L.

The Irish French War


French Flag
The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no flipping way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

Forwarded by Mickey L.

Oh my gosh you STINK


cigarette machine
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that after shave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BASTARD... Oh my gosh you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

Grocery Shopping and a Case of Beer


A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

He never knew what hit him...

Forwarded by Tom K.

Two Fishermen


Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

Best Comeback Line Ever From a Drunk Screwing a Pumpkin


pumpkin image
Washington Post article... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dracula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is  soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.

"I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said:

"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

Bed Sheets Joke - Happy Halloween


image - bed sheet ghost
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the krap out of a ghost.'

Thanks Marleen K.!

Happy Halloween!!!

Jesus Was Here

Jesus was here image,
From Kerry W.

O'Malley Goes To The Doctor


Moon and Stars
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer,  and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
Forwarded by Donna F.

The Rude Parrot


The rude parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

One day after a few beers, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

I'll Always Be That Drunkard Joke


An old man with a red nose went into a hardware store and said "I'll have a bottle of meths please."

The shop assistant looked at him suspiciously and said " There's no way I'm selling you a bottle of methylated spirit-you'll drink it."

"No I won't," the old man protested. "I'm starting my own painting and decorating business."

"I don't believe you," said the assistant, "because I know who you are; you're the old drunk who sits on the bench in the park."

" I used to be," admitted the old man, "but I've turned my life around. The trouble is people like you won't let me forget. I'll always be that drunkard no matter how hard I work, and that's what hurts so much."

The assistant was overcome with guilt. "okay," he said, "I'm sorry. Here's your bottle of meths."

"You haven't got a cold one, have you?" the old man asked.

The Lion

A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"

Blond Bar Joke


Man walks into a lesbian bar, says to the massive tattooed blonde six footer at the bar 'would you like to hear a Blonde joke?'. She looks at him angrily and says 'See that blonde sitting next to you? Well she's a black belt in karate, that blonde by the window? She's a marine. The two blonde bouncers over there by the door, well they're man-hating female cage fighters. Now, do you still want to tell your joke?'
Man says 'Noooo, I'm not explaining the punchline 5 times!'.

Grocery Store Drunk

A woman was shopping at her neighborhood grocery store where she put the following items in her basket:

One dozen large eggs, One pound of Swiss cheese, One box of brownie mix, One twelve pack of soda, Two pounds of coffee, One gallon of whole milk.

As she was placed her items on the conveyor belt at the checkout, a drunk man standing behind her watched very closely. As the cashier was totaling her items, the drunk calmly said,"You must be single."

The woman was taken off guard, but she was intrigued by the drunks prediction, since she was in fact a single girl. She looked at her food items on the counter and saw nothing unusual about her purchase that could have informed the drunk that she was single.

Curiously, she said "Yes, you're right. But how in the world did you know that?" The drunk slurred, "'Because you're ugly. "

Synthetic Summit successfully enlightened its audience about the dangers of K2 and bath salts

Synthetic Summit
Source: Synthetic Summit Homepage 

8/11/2012 – The Synthetic Summit was held Thursday in the gymnasium at Brighton Center for Recovery (formerly Brighton Hospital) . The summit was a joint effort of several drug prevention groups that addressed the epidemic of synthetic marijuana and bath salts to a combined 185 medical professionals, teachers, and members of the community. Later that same evening the event addressed parents, students, and others concerned with synthetic drug addiction.  

Tom Cahillane, President of Substance Free Future Foundation, said that SFFF was proud to be a part of the collaboration along with Brighton Center for Recovery, HSCB Substance Abuse Workgroups, and Livingston Community Prevention Project. Cahillane commented that we collaborated together as a team to create a recipe for success. We reached out and asked for help and the response was overwhelming. Representatives from the DEA, doctors, judges, social workers, law enforcement, chemists, and drug prevention specialists responded ready to educate the community about the dangers of synthetic drugs.

Lindsay Beaudry, HSCB Community Collaborative Planner said, "It was grand to observe how the strengths of each member added to the collective success of the event."

Speakers at the event included Robert Bell, Drug Enforcement Administration, Judge Jodi Debbrecht, 51st District Court, Scott Masi, Outreach Specialist, Brighton Center for Recovery, Karen Bergbower, LMSW, CAADC, CPC-M, Karen Bergbower and Associates,  Dr. Heather Schmidt, St.Joseph Healthcare System, Sheriff Bob Bezotte, Livingston County Sheriff, David Morse, Livingston County Prosecutor, Jon Gonzalez, Legislative Researcher, Michigan Department of Community Health, Office of Legislative Affairs, Dr. Edward Jouney, DO, MS, Department of Psychiatry, Dr. Robert Dunne, Vice Chief of Emergency Medicine, St. John Hospital & Medical Center, Paul Kennedy PhD, Director of Analytical Chemistry, Cayman Chemical, Elizabeth Reader, CCS, CADC, ICADC, Program Director, Milford Counseling, Angie Willoughby, LMSW, CAADC, Program Coordinator for Intake, Emergency Services, and Specialty Court, Livingston County Community Mental Health, Felix Sharpe, Director, Bureau of Substance Abuse and Addiction Services (BSAAS), Michigan Department of Community Health, and Kaitlin Fink, LLMSW: Substance Abuse Prevention Coordinator, Livingston County Catholic Charities.

Thank you for all your hard work to Scott Masi, Referral and Outreach Specialist, Brighton Center For Recovery, Kaitlin Fink, LLMSW: Substance Abuse Prevention Coordinator, Livingston County Catholic Charities, Russell Stratton, Pinckney Coalition Coordinator, Lindsay Beaudry, HSCB Community Collaborative Planner, Bill Cook, Treasurer, Substance Free Future Foundation, Tom Cahillane, President, Substance Free Future Foundation, Polly Mallory, Director of Early Childhood Development, Lacasa Center, and James Schepper, LPC, CAAC, Clinical Director, Catholic Charities.

Special thanks go out to Brighton Center For Recovery who hosted the Synthetic Summit, and Bill Cook, Treasurer with Substance Free Future Foundation for spending his entire day filming the event. He will also edit and prepare the final version of the Synthetic Summit video and be responsible for working with the event organizers to possibly provide vouchers for synthetic drug testing from funds raised during the Synthetic Summit. 

Michigan Synthetic Summit Agenda | Aug 9, 2012

Michigan Synthetic Summit Agenda | Aug 9, 2012


August 9, 2012 - Professional Session

synthetic summit logo
The Synthetic Summit is a collaboration of efforts including Brighton Center For Recovery (formerly Brighton Hospital), Livingston County Catholic Charities, HSCB Substance Abuse Workgroups, Livingston Community Prevention Project, and Substance Free Future Foundation.  

8:30am                 Registration
9:00am                 Scott Masi, Outreach Specialist, Brighton Center for Recovery
                                                Introduction & Welcome
9:05am                 Karen Bergbower, LMSW, CAADC, CPC-M, P.C., Karen Bergbower and Associates
                                                Synthetic Epidemic
9:35am                 Dr. Heather Schmidt, St. Joseph Healthcare System
                                                Medical Data
9:50am                 Angie Wiloughby, LMSW, CAADC, ACCESS Coordinator Livingston County CMH
                                                Local Impact
10:00am               Judge Jodi Debbrecht, 51st District Court Waterford,
Livingston County Prosecutor David Morse, and Livingston County Sheriff Bob Bezotte
                                                Legal Perspectives
10:30am               Dr. Edward Jouney, DO, MS, Department of Psychiatry, U of M Medical School

                                                Psychiatric Impact of Synthetic Drugs
11:15am               Joe Rannazzisi, Drug Enforcement Administration, Deputy Assistant
Administrator/ Deputy Chief of Operations Office of Diversion Control
                                                National Policy & Emerging Trends
12:00pm               Lunch    Real Life Real Stories
1:00pm                 Jon Gonzalez, Legislative Researcher, Michigan Department of Community Health-Office of Legislative Affairs

                Chemistry of Synthetics & Legislative Perspective

1:15pm                 Dr. Robert Dunne, Vice Chief Emergency Medicine, St. John Providence Health Care System
                                                Front Line Treatment
1:45pm                 Paul Kennedy PhD, Director of Analytical Chemistry at Cayman Chemical
                                                Aspects related to Drug Testing
2:00pm                 Break
2:15                        Elizabeth Reader, CCS, CADC, ICADC, Program Director Milford Counseling
                             Therapeutic Treatment Perspectives
2:30pm                 Panel (Treatment/Coalitions/Resources/Legal/Community)- Moderated by:      
(Karen Bergbower, LMSW, CAADC, CPC-M, P.C.)
(Kaitlin Fink- LLMSW, Livingston County Catholic Charities,  Dr. Paul Kennedy - Cayman,  Dr. Bella Shah - Eastwood Clinics,  Joe Rannazzisi - DEA,  Felix Sharp – Director BSAAS/MDCH ,  Judge Jodi Debbrecht - 51st District Court,  Angie Wiloughby - ACCESS)
                                                PANEL: QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
3:30pm                 End


Community  Session
6:30pm                 Karen Bergbower, LMSW, CAADC, CPC-M, P.C. - Power Point
7:00pm                 Joe Rannazzisi, Drug Enforcement Administration, Deputy Assistant
Administrator/ Deputy Chief of Operations Office of Diversion Control
7:30pm                 Panel (Treatment/Coalitions/Resources/Legal/Community):
                                Moderator: (Karen Bergbower, LMSW, CAADC, CPC-M, P.C.)
(Kaitlin Fink, LLMSW, Livingston County Catholic Charities,  Dr. Paul Kennedy - Cayman,  Elizabeth Reader – Milford Counseling,  Joe Rannazzisi - DEA,  Felix Sharp – Director BSAAS/MDCH ,  Judge Jodi Debbrecht - 51st District Court,  Angie Wiloughby - ACCESS)

8:00pm                 Close
Presenters, please provide a Power Point 24 hours prior to event.  We would like to have all information loaded into a computer before the event to have a seamless presentation

Michigan Synthetic Summit 8/9 Will Be Hosted At Brighton Center For Recovery

Diligent Management & Consulting Services


The Synthetic Summit is a collaboration of efforts including Brighton Center For Recovery (formerly Brighton Hospital), Catholic Charities, HSCB Substance Abuse Workgroups, Livingston Community Prevention Project, and Substance Free Future Foundation.  

The Synthetic Summit will take place on August 9, 2012 and will be hosted in the gymnasium at Brighton Center For Recovery, 12851 Grand River Road, Brighton.

Professionals Training Session: 9 a.m. – 3:30 p.m.
(Registration: 8:30 a.m.)
Training will include speakers and presentations from the DEA, law enforcement, hospital staff and treatment/ prevention front line clinicians. Lunch will be provided, registration is required. The cost is $25 in advance / $35 at the door (scholarships available upon request). MCBAP credit hours are approved for this training. To register, visit www.syntheticsummit.org.

Community Session: 6:30-8 p.m.

Parents, students, key leaders and representatives of community groups, government, the judiciary, law enforcement, youth-serving agencies, school districts, higher education, the faith community, business, parent organizations, the medical community, and others concerned about synthetic drugs are welcome to attend the evening session. Refreshments will be served, no RSVP necessary, and free to attend.

Summit planned to discuss synthetic marijuana | Livingston Daily | livingstondaily.com

Summit planned to discuss synthetic marijuana | Livingston Daily | livingstondaily.com

The Brighton Center for Recovery, located at 12851 Grand River Ave. in Brighton, will host the Synthetic Summit on Aug. 9 to discuss the next step in community-wide fight against synthetic marijuana and other synthetic drugs.

The summit will consist of two sessions: A professional session from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. for police officers, attorneys, counselors and others in related fields, with lunch provided; and a community session from 6:30-8 p.m.

The professional session will cost $25 if registered early or $35 at the door. The community session is free to the public and will provide information on new developments with the drug issue since the state banned them on July 1.

For more information, visit www.syntheticsummit.org.

The Michigan Synthetic Summit Will Be Hosted At Brighton Center For Recovery On 8/9/12


Spice and Bath Salts
Source: Substance Free Future Foundation
Synthetic drugs have been banned in Michigan since July 1, 2012, but it took me less than 5 seconds to Google the phrase ‘buy K2’ and find it readily available on the internet as of today. Within 15 seconds of my K2 internet search I was reading an article on the same website educating me on which blends of synthetic marijuana were legally available to purchase, listed state by state. We have decided not to endorse their website by listing its internet address. Law enforcement is diligently attempting to shut them down, and they have already closed multiple similar synthetic drug sites. 

I’m actually unsure if they should be called dealers because these guys aren’t selling it on street corners.  Their website contains over 50 pages and has a Google Page 5 ranking which usually would require the employment of search engine optimization professionals. They are also using professionally designed analytics to track page views, demographics, and content. The site offers ‘live chat’ with ‘online advisors’ and a toll free telephone help line which suggests they have  an internal call center or have outsourced the calls to a professional call center. The ‘text us questions’ short code they supply could carry a monthly invoice of $3000 to $10,000. It appears the web design cost for this particular site would most likely run somewhere in the area of $50,000 to design with a maintenance fee that would cost thousands of dollars every month. It’s also pretty obvious they have a high profile legal team. 

The point I’m trying to make is synthetic drugs are becoming a monster. The ban has made synthetic drugs illegal in Michigan and the people responsible for the effort behind that law should be commended.  Now it’s time to absolutely, positively, work together as a community and take the next steps to enforce the law and educate families and professionals about synthetic drugs. Bath salts and synthetic marijuana are illegal, but that doesn’t mean they are going to disappear anytime soon. 

The Synthetic Summit is a collaboration of efforts including Brighton Center For Recovery (formerly Brighton Hospital), Catholic Charities, HSCB Substance Abuse Workgroups, Livingston Community Prevention Project, and Substance Free Future Foundation.  

The Synthetic Summit will take place on August 9, 2012 and will be hosted in the gymnasium at Brighton Center For Recovery, 12851 Grand River Road, Brighton.

Professionals Training Session: 9 a.m. – 3:30 p.m.
(Registration: 8:30 a.m.)
Training will include speakers and presentations from the DEA, law enforcement, hospital staff and treatment/ prevention front line clinicians. Lunch will be provided, registration is required. The cost is $25 in advance / $35 at the door (scholarships available upon request). MCBAP credit hours are approved for this training. To register, visit www.syntheticsummit.org.

Community Session: 6:30-8 p.m.

Parents, students, key leaders and representatives of community groups, government, the judiciary, law enforcement, youth-serving agencies, school districts, higher education, the faith community, business, parent organizations, the medical community, and others concerned about synthetic drugs are welcome to attend the evening session. Refreshments will be served, no RSVP necessary, and free to attend.


Jewish Cab Driver

Cab
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City. The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? — Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady — I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, sweetie, what are you doing then?" He paused a moment, then told her... "Vell, ma'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping da money to pay for dis ride?"

Submitted by Jim K.

Mary Theresa Cahillane - 1955 - 2012 - Royal Oak, Michigan - Obituary

Source - Substance Free Future Foundation
Mary Theresa Cahillane
Mary Theresa Cahillane, 56, died early Wednesday morning, July 4, 2012 at her Royal Oak, Michigan home. She was born in Chicago, the daughter of Thomas and Margaret (McGinnis) Cahillane. Those close to her fondly called her Theresa.  Her final days were spent surrounded by family and friends that Theresa had touched in some small way throughout her very memorable life.

Theresa was uniquely musical. She started playing the guitar and button accordion at a very young age. As she grew older Theresa learned to play the banjo, flute, fiddle, mandolin, and the piano.  Theresa began her lifelong musical career playing guitar with the 'New Group' at Saint Nicholas of Tolentine Church on Chicago's southwest side with her dear friend Ray Menard.  Later in life she could often be heard playing Irish jigs and reels on the button accordion at her bar, 'Callahan's Pub' or at Gaelic Park Festivals in Chicago. Ms. Cahillane played at private events for years with her popular Irish band, 'The Moonshiners.'  Eventually, after she moved to Michigan, she created her musical retail business, 'Fiddles and Flutes' of Royal Oak.

Ms. Cahillane was a proud, active member of the 12-Step Community, and when she passed away she was just a few weeks shy of 25 years sobriety. Theresa helped countless others seeking to overcome their alcohol and drug addiction by sharing her experience, strength and hope.  Many are grateful for her wisdom, sponsorship, humor, and quick wit. A touching event this year was her final 12-step meeting when Theresa was too ill to travel, so her home group took the meeting to Theresa in her living room. She truly lived her life by the twelve-steps.

She leaves behind her loving brothers Greg and Thomas of Bloomfield Township; sister Margaret Blackwood of Sterling Heights; and brother Patrick and wife Pauline of Cloghan, Offaly, Ireland . She also leaves a niece Kerry and her husband Stephen Walker of Scottsdale, Arizona; niece Jessica Blackwood of Royal Oak; nieces and nephew Ashley, Stephen, and Kaitlin, of Cloghan, Offaly, Ireland; and great nephew Dylan Phipps of Royal Oak. She was predeceased by her mother Margaret, father Thomas, brother Stephen, sister in law Patricia and stepmother Rosemary.

Funeral services will be private. A memorial service will be held at Farina’s Banquet Center at 1 PM on July 28, 2012 at 2485 Coolidge Highway, Berkley, MI 48072.

Memorial gifts in Ms. Cahillanes' memory can be made to the National Catholic Council on Addictions, 1601 Joslyn Road, Lake Orion, MI 48360.  


The All Inclusive Joke


dress tie photo
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an  Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, an Hungarian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several  Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a  Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan,  a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a  Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a  Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman  Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an  Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an  Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a  Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an  Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a  Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a  Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a  Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a  Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African, walk into a bar.

"I'm sorry," says the bartender, after scrutinizing the group. ....."You can't come in here without a Thai."

Sent by Mark

What Does An Alcoholic Look Like?



Close your eyes and try to imagine what an alcoholic looks like. Do you see a skid row bum wearing a raggedy old trench coat? Maybe he has a scraggily beard, sitting on the sidewalk with a bottle in a brown paper bag?  That’s what many people envision.  The truth is an alcoholic could look like your doctor, attorney, teacher, a celebrity, or your next door neighbor.  Alcoholism does not care who you are and cares less about your industry or profession. It doesn’t care if you are a mom, a dad, a teenager, or someone’s grandpa or grandma.

Alcoholism is a disease recognized by the American Medical Association since 1957. It’s the only known disease to man that will tell you you’re all right when you are not. It’s progressive and patient.  Alcoholism is a chronic, many times relapsing disease of the brain that causes a compulsive obsession to drink alcohol, in spite of the harmful consequences.

Lots of people don’t understand alcoholism.  They believe the alcoholic lacks the willpower to stop drinking.  The truth is it has nothing to do with willpower. For those people that believe an illness can be cured with willpower I suggest they use willpower to cure their next dose of diarrhea.

Alcoholism is a disease of the body and the mind. It can be caused by genetics and/or environment.  Some agree that “Genetics load the gun and environment pulls the trigger” while others will say "Genetics loads the gun AND pulls the trigger; environment only determines when the trigger is pulled and how many "shots" are released at any one period of time." How much does your environment affect the outcome of your disease? It’s unclear.  My family has a history of alcoholism and my parents divorced when I was 11 years old. Both of my parents owned bars in separate neighborhoods on the south side of Chicago so I grew up in bars as a teenager. I have no doubt that if my parents didn’t own bars I still would have become alcoholic, only it would possibly have happened at a later age.

No one knows when they cross the imaginary line into alcoholism but once you cross it you can never drink like a regular person again. Usually you’re the last one to know you have the disease. Your family, friends, and employer know you have a drinking problem but the alcoholic is in denial.

I had emotional problems long before I ever picked up a drink.  Alcohol wasn’t my problem; it was my solution.  From a very early age I felt like I didn’t fit in. I was a shy kid who never knew the right thing to say. At 13, when I had my first drink I thought I had found the magic cure to my personality disorder.  That cure worked for a lot of years but by my early twenties I found myself drinking in the morning before work, during lunch, and going to the bar directly after work. At 24 I was hospitalized for stomach ulcers and at 25 I entered my first rehab for alcoholism.

It took me a long time, and multiple rehabs, to discover there was a real solution. The solution was ‘Change’. I had to change everything. I had to admit my faults, work on correcting them, and get honest with myself. I had to let go of resentments and realize I was powerless over people, places, and things.  The bottom line is I had to learn to accept life on life’s terms and come to the realization that no one was doing anything to me; they were just doing it.

It doesn’t matter if you get sober using the 12-Steps, your church, addiction therapy, alcoholism rehabs, anti-depressant/anxiety  medications, or all of the above as long as you understand you can’t do it by yourself. Most of us had problems from an early age and we just never fully developed. Once we start to zone in on ‘why we are what we are’ only then do we begin to get better. 

Enter the Rehab Humor Best Bar/Addiction Joke Contest-WIN a copy of Trust Me I'm An Alcoholic


homeless guy image
Alcoholic Humor and Rehab Humor sponsored by Diligent Management and Consulting Services are having a BEST BAR - ADDICTION JOKE CONTEST!!! Contest Ends at Midnight May20, 2012. 


Have Fun and Good Luck! 

CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO:

This promotion is in no way sponsored, endorsed or administered by, or associated with, Facebook. You are providing your information to Diligent Management & Consulting Services and not to Facebook. Diligent Management reserves the right to use any jokes entered in posts, publications, or any other form of electronic or printed media it sees fit and owns all rights to entered content for these purposes. The information you provide will only be used for email updates regarding the disease of drug addiction and nothing will be mailed to the snail mail address you provide UNLESS you are chosen as a winner. If you are chosen as a winner your prize will be mailed to the address we have on file.
Contest Rules

Contest begins on May 12, 2012
Contest ends on May 20, 2012 (midnight)
Jokes MUST be related to addiction or alcoholism
There is only ONE Winner
Vote as often as allowed
Winner is chosen by votes cast by Fans and NOT by Diligent Management and Consulting Services.
Contestants earn ten extra points for each friend they refer to LIKE this page
Winner will be announced on May 21, 2012 by DMCS
The winner of a tie will be chosen by DMCS
No purchase is required to enter
Play nice
DMCS reserves the right to change these rules at any time to resolve any disputes or cancel contest and start a new contest if unforeseeable circumstances arise due to the fact that this is its first Facebook contest creation and errors are unlikely but could occur.
Winner will receive a copy of Tom Cahillane's new book published by DMCS, 'Trust Me I'm an Alcoholic'

Genie in a Brief Case

Briefcase image
A man spends many days crossing the desert and runs out of water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands,certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."

"You might as well it looks like your a goner anyway."

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Submitted by Joe W.

Bing and Phil

Bing Crosby and Phil Harris were on the road driving through Tennessee at night when they passed by the Jack Daniels distillery. all lit up. Crosby remarked, "well you'll never drink em' dry." Harris replied, "yeah, but I've got em' workin' nights."

Forwarded by Mike K.

Easter Blondes

blond girl
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "No," and wouldn't let her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having the Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder..."

St. Peter said, "Very good!"

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

Sent by Joe P.

The Bus Ride

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I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before .... I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!

If you know of anybody missing a bus please let me know so I can arrange to return it.

Send by Mary Jo T.

The Amish and the Elevator

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'

Forwarded by Mark M.

Happy Saint Paddy's Day 2012

irish hat
At the Worldwide Women's Conference, the first speaker from England went to the mic: "At last year's conference we talked about being more assertive with our husbands.

Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to cook for himself.

After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast beef."

The crowd clapped.

The second speaker from the U.S.A. stood up to the mic: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own laundry but my laundry as well."

The crowd clapped.

The third speaker from Ireland stood up to the mic: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my right eye."

Irish Prostitute

Irish Lass
The Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily saying, "Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff,....Dad....I became a prostitute.."

"Ye what? Out of here ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!"

"OK, Dad-- As ye wish, but I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £1million bank account. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible parked outside plus a membership to the golf & country club...(takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" Asks Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff sniff... A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, Girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!

Forwarded by MJ

Bar Waitress

bar waitress
A man and a woman were dining at a local bar. Their waitress, taking an order at a nearby table noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. The woman sitting across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman,

"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly,

"No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Forwarded by R.K.

A Happy Rabbit and a Angry Lion


 
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at her and says, 'Giraffe, my friend, think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!' The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant snorting coke. So the rabbit again says, 'Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!' The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up some smack. 'Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you
will feel so good!' The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. 'Lion,' they reprimand, 'why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!' The lion answers, 'That little f**ker has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!'

Forwarded by Bill K.

The Grandkids

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!" Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!" Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my grand-son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes." Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "
Forwarded by Joe L.

Why Leather?

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!? Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a new Truck.