How to Stop Drinking Without Medication Joke

image:doctor cartoon
A man was terribly alcoholic and wanted to stop drinking without taking any medication. His doctor disagreed, but since the man was dead-set on stopping without medication the doctor gave him this advice:
"I want you to drink regularly for one day, then skip a day. Then drink half the alcohol you normally do for a day, then skip a day. See me again on day 5. The next time I see you, you should be ready to stop completely."

When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 40 pounds!

"Wow" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The man nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the forth day."

"From the withdrawals, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the skipping."
Submitted by Margaret M.

Amy Winehouse Makes the Right Choice and Enters Drug and Alcohol Rehab

amy winehouse,
Dear Amy Winehouse,

My first thoughts were to respect your privacy when I heard you entered a drug and alcohol rehab but I've changed my mind. You should be commended because admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Like myself, you've had a difficult struggle with drugs and alcohol.

Your talents amaze me. "Back to Black" was a smash sensation that carried your voice worldwide. The song "Rehab", showed that you'd rather look substance abuse in the eye rather than hide from the pain and suffering of chemical dependency. Your referral to Mr Hathaway in that song, "Because there's nothing you can teach me that I can't learn from Mr Hathaway", made me think you were considering suicide as he did.

I'm writing this letter to tell you there is hope but you can't do it alone. Addiction is the only disease that tells you you're not sick. It's, "cunning, powerful, and baffling." Please stay in rehab. You're in the right place. Like yourself I didn't get it the first time but lucky for me the alcohol rehab I entered, Brighton Hospital in Brighton Michigan welcomed me back with open arms. I can honestly say I'm not sure where I'd be today if it weren't for their kindness, support, and intensive in-patient and out-patient guide to treating my disease. I'm sure the alcohol treatment center you've chosen, The Priory Clinic, will give you all the tools required to getting your life back on track.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Sincerely,

Tom Callahan

Blonde and the Lotto Ticket

blond girl,
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble in her first year of sobriety.
Her business has gone bust and she is in financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... 'God please help me,
I've lost my business and if I dont get some money,
I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lottery.'
Lottery night comes and someone else wins.
She again prays...' God please let me win the lottery.
I've lost my business,my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'
Lottery night comes and again someone else wins.
Once again she prays...My God why have you forsaken me?
I've lost my business my house and my car,
I dont often ask you for help and I've always been a good servant to you...
Please let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order.'
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of God himself....

'Sweetheart, work with me on this....Buy a ticket.'

Forwarded by Jim L.

Alcoholic Orangutans

Where do alcoholic orangutans like to hang out?

Monkey bars.

Best Response From Drunk Screwing Pumpkin

Pumpkin
Washington Post article... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dracula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.

"I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said:

"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

Little Orphan Annie

After 86 years, the comic strip "Little Orphan Annie" has ended. It will be replaced by "Little Homeless, Heroin addict, Hooker Annie."

Mr Potato Head

Mr. Potato Head smoked some weed. Before he knew it, he was baked.

Italian Drug Smugglers

Drug smugglers were caught moving cocaine through a convent in Italy.
This is really disturbing, since nuns already have a habit.