Things That Are Hard To Say When Drunk

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon


1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionality
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Tran substantiate


1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. No, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. White Castle? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Forwarded by L.K.



A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that stuff.

Never mind.

New Suit

Q: What are the first five words a alcoholic in a three piece tailored suit hears?

A: "Will the defendant please rise"


I was wondering why they wouldn't kick off the skinny guy with the red shirt on Survivor, he kept screwing up. Then I realized we were watching 'Gilligan's Island.'

Lots of Love

Don't ever fall in love with a heroin addict. It's not a good idea. They've got a lot of love, but it's all in vein.

Scooby Doo

Have you ever watched 'Scooby Doo'? I mean, come on... he rode around in a van with the flowers on the side, on a Saturday morning, looking for a haunted house. Tell me they weren't high.

Any Questions?

For Easter my pot head friend hid scrambled eggs around the house for his kids to find...this is your mind on drugs. Any questions?

Who's Driving?

An alcoholic, a coke addict, and a meth addict are in a car. Who's driving?

The police


I use to work for Pepsi...but they gave me a drug test and I came up positive for Coke so they let me go.

The Sex Addict

When John and Mary first got married John said, “I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 30 years of marriage Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”

John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Mary asked John, so why do you have all that money in the box?

John answered; “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash”.

Sent by Hank R.