Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays

TAC Campaign - 20 year Anniversary retrospective montage "Everybody Hurt...


On December 10th 1989 the first TAC commercial went to air. In that year the road toll was 776; by last year 2008 it had fallen to 303.
A five minute retrospective of the road safety campaigns produced by the TAC over the last 20 years has been compiled. The montage features iconic scenes and images from commercials that have helped change they way we drive, all edited to the moving song Everybody Hurts by REM.

Irish Talking Clock

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment
to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big
brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. Picking up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,

'You idiot! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!'

Submitted by Jim K.

Neil Scott Host Of "Recovery Coast to Coast Radio" Interviews Tom Cahillane


RECOVERY – Coast to Coast radio show feature interview with Tom Cahillane author of the 12-step humor book "Trust Me I'm An Alcoholic" ClearChannel Radio AM 850 KHHO - Seattle, WA

The Gay Rancher

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted beautiful wife.

She was a very great-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an advertisement in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Forwarded by Jim K.

Alcoholic Humor's Bar and Addiction Jokes

trust me im an alcoholic paperback,
For years Alcoholic Humor has posted hilarious, over the top, bar and addiction jokes to Reddit and Digg. Who better than a recovering alcoholic to assemble such an awesome collection of drunk jokes and addiction humor.

Trust Me I'm An Alcoholic is for anyone that loves a good laugh! Click here to view the paperback or Kindle version!
"I am like your guys biggest fan!!! i love, love, love, your stuff and share it all the time! Super stoked about the book! Thank for brightening my days!!! YOU ROCK!!!" ~ Amy G. These drinking jokes are fabulous! I purchased a few extra copies for stocking stuffer's. - Pete Probokis
"Very amusing! Insightful and witty. Once you start reading you just can't stop!" ~ Bob Weiman
"One of the symptoms of Recovery is the return of a sense of humor....thank you for helping us laugh again!" ~ Mark Menestrina, MD, FASAM
"People just don't recognize the inseparable connection between Alcoholic Humor and the 12-step recovery process. In this collection of new and old jokes compiled by Tom Cahillane are to be found the raw materials of 12-step recovery." ~ Richard Kramer

Irish Drinking Halloween Joke

pumpkin pic,
John O’Leary, a Dublin resident, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark Halloween night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.

John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn’t drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John O’Leary sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.” Look Paddy....there’s that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!”

Forwarded by Jim K.

An Irish Lass in a Casino

A beautiful blonde from Kerry, Ireland stopped at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet fifty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.


She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm entirely nude'.


With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, mama needs some new clothes!'


As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... 'YES! YES! I WIN, I WIN!'


She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other Dumb founded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she
roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know.........I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men.

Forwarded by Rich K.

Substance Free Future: Nudge from the judge: Will it get alcoholics into ...

Substance Free Future: Nudge from the judge: Will it get alcoholics into ...: "Michigan's new “Super Drunk” driving law, in effect since October 31st of 2010, has increased penalties for drivers with a blood alcohol lev..."

How to Stop Drinking Without Medication Joke

image:doctor cartoon
A man was terribly alcoholic and wanted to stop drinking without taking any medication. His doctor disagreed, but since the man was dead-set on stopping without medication the doctor gave him this advice:
"I want you to drink regularly for one day, then skip a day. Then drink half the alcohol you normally do for a day, then skip a day. See me again on day 5. The next time I see you, you should be ready to stop completely."

When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 40 pounds!

"Wow" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The man nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the forth day."

"From the withdrawals, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the skipping."
Submitted by Margaret M.

Amy Winehouse Makes the Right Choice and Enters Drug and Alcohol Rehab

amy winehouse,
Dear Amy Winehouse,

My first thoughts were to respect your privacy when I heard you entered a drug and alcohol rehab but I've changed my mind. You should be commended because admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Like myself, you've had a difficult struggle with drugs and alcohol.

Your talents amaze me. "Back to Black" was a smash sensation that carried your voice worldwide. The song "Rehab", showed that you'd rather look substance abuse in the eye rather than hide from the pain and suffering of chemical dependency. Your referral to Mr Hathaway in that song, "Because there's nothing you can teach me that I can't learn from Mr Hathaway", made me think you were considering suicide as he did.

I'm writing this letter to tell you there is hope but you can't do it alone. Addiction is the only disease that tells you you're not sick. It's, "cunning, powerful, and baffling." Please stay in rehab. You're in the right place. Like yourself I didn't get it the first time but lucky for me the alcohol rehab I entered, Brighton Hospital in Brighton Michigan welcomed me back with open arms. I can honestly say I'm not sure where I'd be today if it weren't for their kindness, support, and intensive in-patient and out-patient guide to treating my disease. I'm sure the alcohol treatment center you've chosen, The Priory Clinic, will give you all the tools required to getting your life back on track.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Sincerely,

Tom Callahan

Blonde and the Lotto Ticket

blond girl,
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble in her first year of sobriety.
Her business has gone bust and she is in financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... 'God please help me,
I've lost my business and if I dont get some money,
I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lottery.'
Lottery night comes and someone else wins.
She again prays...' God please let me win the lottery.
I've lost my business,my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'
Lottery night comes and again someone else wins.
Once again she prays...My God why have you forsaken me?
I've lost my business my house and my car,
I dont often ask you for help and I've always been a good servant to you...
Please let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order.'
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of God himself....

'Sweetheart, work with me on this....Buy a ticket.'

Forwarded by Jim L.

Alcoholic Orangutans

Where do alcoholic orangutans like to hang out?

Monkey bars.

Best Response From Drunk Screwing Pumpkin

Pumpkin
Washington Post article... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dracula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.

"I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said:

"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

Little Orphan Annie

After 86 years, the comic strip "Little Orphan Annie" has ended. It will be replaced by "Little Homeless, Heroin addict, Hooker Annie."

Mr Potato Head

Mr. Potato Head smoked some weed. Before he knew it, he was baked.

Italian Drug Smugglers

Drug smugglers were caught moving cocaine through a convent in Italy.
This is really disturbing, since nuns already have a habit.

Things That Are Hard To Say When Drunk


THINGS THAT ARE HARD TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY HARD TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionality
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Tran substantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. No, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. White Castle? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Forwarded by L.K.

Women

WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that stuff.

Never mind.

New Suit

Q: What are the first five words a alcoholic in a three piece tailored suit hears?

A: "Will the defendant please rise"

Survivor

I was wondering why they wouldn't kick off the skinny guy with the red shirt on Survivor, he kept screwing up. Then I realized we were watching 'Gilligan's Island.'

Lots of Love

Don't ever fall in love with a heroin addict. It's not a good idea. They've got a lot of love, but it's all in vein.

Scooby Doo

Have you ever watched 'Scooby Doo'? I mean, come on... he rode around in a van with the flowers on the side, on a Saturday morning, looking for a haunted house. Tell me they weren't high.

Any Questions?

For Easter my pot head friend hid scrambled eggs around the house for his kids to find...this is your mind on drugs. Any questions?

Who's Driving?

An alcoholic, a coke addict, and a meth addict are in a car. Who's driving?

The police

Pepsi

I use to work for Pepsi...but they gave me a drug test and I came up positive for Coke so they let me go.

The Sex Addict

When John and Mary first got married John said, “I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 30 years of marriage Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”

John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Mary asked John, so why do you have all that money in the box?

John answered; “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash”.

Sent by Hank R.

A Real Irish Song....Christy Moore & Shane MacGowan(pogues) Spancil HILL

Happy St Patricks Day!!!

Mick and Sean had been drinking partners for many years.
After having a couple of beers in a pub, Mick says to Sean,
"We've been buddies for years and if I should die before you, could you do me a favor?
Get a bottle of good whiskey and pour it over my grave, and let it soak into the soil I'm buried under."
Sean replied, "I would be glad to do that for you my oldest friend.
Would it be OK if I passed it through my bladder first?"

Biker Bar

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a draft beer.
Looking around, he sees five men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and she was wearing a tight sweater. Man, she has big boobs!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say anything. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker dude and would fight anyone.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still doesn’t say a word.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma loved it!'
At this point the biker gets up, takes the drunk by the back of his coat, looks him square in the eyes and says...
'Grandpa, you need to go home, you're drunk'

Can we do one more on Charlie???

How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men!

Why didn't you wait?


Tom Callahan lived in Detroit, Michigan and worked in Windsor. He had to take the ferryboat home every evening. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so Tom decided to stop at a nearby pub. Before long he was feeling no pain and having a great time. When he got back to the ferry entrance gate, the ferryboat was just seven feet from the dock. Tom, afraid of missing the boat and being late for dinner, took a running jump and landed right on the deck of the ferryboat. "How did you like that jump?" said a proud Tom to a deck hand. "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2007

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

This joke was forwarded to me by Therese C.

Worst Date In History

My friend Rich forwarded me this story and I think it is really funny. So I am sharing it here with you.

"If you didn't see this on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, I hope you're sitting down when you read this. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem. Due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down. "And you thought your first date was embarrassing". Jay Leno's comment..."This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."

Oh, if you are wondering how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show."

Bad Hangover


Ted wakes up at home with a bad hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and ironed. Ted looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note left on the table "Darling, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Ted asks, "Boy, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 1 A.M., drunk and silly. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, Ted asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"