1. Attorneys aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most people think they are.
Forwarded by Jim K.
"I hate to ruin your holiday but I have to tell you that your mom and I are divorcing; thirty-five years of hell is long enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son yells.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any more", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in London and tell her".
The son calls his sister, who explains everything on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Ireland right away and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there and fix this. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be arriving tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing" and she hangs up the phone.
The old man hangs up and turns to his wife.
"Okay! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
Forwarded by Margaret M.
Best Captcha Ever:
My favorite Christmas joke:
Did you hear about the dyslectic satanist who worshiped Santa?
Favorite Irish joke:
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 15 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and drinks half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks I'll just wait till the police get here!''
Favorite blonde joke:
A blonde goes into a dry cleaner and drops off a blouse to be cleaned. As she is walking out the door the clerk says, "Come again."
The blonde stops, turns around and says, "If you must know its toothpaste you nosey bitch!"
Favorite Television Blooper"
Game Show: Password
(The password is bread)
Contestant: "Lets see...dough....dough knob!"
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.
2) Bull Fights...they kill a bull. WTF.
3) Cooking shows...Way to many on tv and I have zero desire to watch any of them.
4) Rap music with the exception of Eminem
5) Yelling...never ever cool to yell.
6) Grocery shopping...its a necessary evil
7) People who say its a necessary evil.
8) IVR or interactive voice response. Press or say one if you dislike IVR's.
9) When you smoke outside and someone complains. You are outside...shut the fuck up!
10)Hornets...they are evil.
11)DVD packaging. Who the fuck created DVD and CD packaging? I imagine its people that are very serious about security.
11)People who don't like Hedi Klum. And why did Victoria's Secret stop playing the Santa Baby commercials?
12)Michigan road construction. I don't wanna even get started on this topic.
13)People from Nigeria that send me emails asking me if I would be interested in working 10 hours a week depositing large amounts of cash into various banks.
14)People Magazines "Sexy Man of the Year."
15)Paypal ...as a matter of fact eBay as well.
16) Gangsta anything! They're called gangsters and they're very scary people.
17)Harry Potter...I dislike anything about Harry Potter, his silly looking round glasses, and his magical powers.
18) Comcast. Period.
19) Hidden costs.
20) Spam...unless its my spam.
21) Spam...the kind you eat.
22) When your engine light goes on for no apparent reason.
23) Website popups
24) People who send me videos via email I need to download.
25) People who email me videos via email I need to download that say..."This is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen."
26) When I think I know someone and I wave and then I figure out I really don't know them and have to act like I am fixing my hair.
27) People that live in small towns that say, "I'm going outta town" when they visit a city 2 miles away.
28) Website redirects to pages that try and sell you something.
29) People who tailgate on the highway. How much of a hurry can you be in that they need to ride my ass?
30) People on Facebook or Twitter that tell you every move they make.