The Cab Ride

This has been around a very long time but its worth repeating!

I arrived at the address and honked the horn, after waiting a few minutes I walked to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.

There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.

She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her. ‘I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'

'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'

'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..

'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.’

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice.. 'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing. As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now'.

We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.

'Nothing,' I said.

'You have to make a living,' she answered.

'There are other passengers,' I responded. Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away? On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great

moments often catch us unaware - beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID

~ BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.

Forwarded by Dennis M.

Dyslectic Satanist


Did you hear about the dyslectic satanist that worshiped Santa?

Alcoholic Humor Drunk Clips

A Lecture

An older man is stopped by police around 2:00 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man answers, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol and the effects it has on the human body".

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving a lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife".

Frozen Shell Fish

A lawyer boarded a jet in Chicago with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him until they landed. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's freezer. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, saying in a very legal tone that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to go on and on about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Go figure, she was a little peeved by his behavior. A few minutes before landing in Michigan, she used the intercom to announce to all the passengers, "Would the attorney who gave me crabs, in Chicago, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.

1. Attorneys aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most people think they are.

Forwarded by Jim K.

An Irish Christmas

A man in Ireland calls his son in Dublin the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your holiday but I have to tell you that your mom and I are divorcing; thirty-five years of hell is long enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son yells.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any more", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in London and tell her".

The son calls his sister, who explains everything on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Ireland right away and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there and fix this. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be arriving tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing" and she hangs up the phone.

The old man hangs up and turns to his wife.
"Okay! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

Forwarded by Margaret M.

Had To Post My Favorites

Favorite Motivational Poster:


Best Captcha Ever:



My favorite Christmas joke:

Did you hear about the dyslectic satanist who worshiped Santa?

Favorite Irish joke:

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 15 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and drinks half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks I'll just wait till the police get here!''

Favorite blonde joke:

A blonde goes into a dry cleaner and drops off a blouse to be cleaned. As she is walking out the door the clerk says, "Come again."
The blonde stops, turns around and says, "If you must know its toothpaste you nosey bitch!"

Favorite Television Blooper"
Game Show: Password

(The password is bread)
Celebrity: Dough
Contestant: "Lets see...dough....dough knob!"

Harrison Ford Goes On Conan Drunk

Talking Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

Things I Hate About Stuff

1) People who wear face paint to sporting events.
2) Bull Fights...they kill a bull. WTF.
3) Cooking shows...Way to many on tv and I have zero desire to watch any of them.
4) Rap music with the exception of Eminem
5) Yelling...never ever cool to yell.
6) Grocery shopping...its a necessary evil
7) People who say its a necessary evil.
8) IVR or interactive voice response. Press or say one if you dislike IVR's.
9) When you smoke outside and someone complains. You are outside...shut the fuck up!
10)Hornets...they are evil.
11)DVD packaging. Who the fuck created DVD and CD packaging? I imagine its people that are very serious about security.
11)People who don't like Hedi Klum. And why did Victoria's Secret stop playing the Santa Baby commercials?
12)Michigan road construction. I don't wanna even get started on this topic.
13)People from Nigeria that send me emails asking me if I would be interested in working 10 hours a week depositing large amounts of cash into various banks.
14)People Magazines "Sexy Man of the Year."
15)Paypal ...as a matter of fact eBay as well.
16) Gangsta anything! They're called gangsters and they're very scary people.
17)Harry Potter...I dislike anything about Harry Potter, his silly looking round glasses, and his magical powers.
18) Comcast. Period.
19) Hidden costs.
20) Spam...unless its my spam.
21) Spam...the kind you eat.
22) When your engine light goes on for no apparent reason.
23) Website popups
24) People who send me videos via email I need to download.
25) People who email me videos via email I need to download that say..."This is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen."
26) When I think I know someone and I wave and then I figure out I really don't know them and have to act like I am fixing my hair.
27) People that live in small towns that say, "I'm going outta town" when they visit a city 2 miles away.
28) Website redirects to pages that try and sell you something.
29) People who tailgate on the highway. How much of a hurry can you be in that they need to ride my ass?
30) People on Facebook or Twitter that tell you every move they make.

Most Awesome - Drunk Fails

A cop pulls you over and says your eyes look a little red have you been drinking ,and you say your eyes look a little glazed have you been eating donuts !

A lecture

I was stopped by the Police at midnight & asked where I was going.

“I’m on the way to listen to a Lecture about the Effects of Alcohol & Drug Abuse on the Human Body.”

The cop asked me, “Really?

And who’s going to give a Lecture at this Time of Night?”

“My Wife”, I Replied

Halloween Joke

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

Why Men Wear Earrings

Ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one afternoon when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his friend to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion".

The man walks right up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal about it, it's only an earring," he replies.

His friend goes silent for a couple of minutes, but then his curiosity makes him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing an earring?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
(I always wondered how these things get started)

My Mid-Life Crisis at 50

I'm may be going through a mid-life crisis but I'm really all crisis'd out. I'm not complaining and I gotta say it feels pretty darn good not to have any major drama going on inside or out. In a few weeks I'll be 51 years young. I don't feel 51...more like late 30's.

I guess I'm at a point in my life where I feel the need to meet a girl half my age and go backpacking through Europe. But I'm not very fond of backpacks or hiking. So I guess I'd just settle for a girl half my age. Actually I wouldn't have anything in common with a girl half my age. She'd want to listen to rap and talk about the Twilight Series. I don't listen to rap very often but I did see the latest Twilight Saga. I didn't understand the movie and I just assume that the reason is I'm 50.

Maybe I should do what my dad did when he had his mid-life? He decided to go to County Kerry, Ireland and be a cattle farmer in his late fifties. He loved small towns where everyone knew everyone but he lived in Chicago. He was a cattle farmer when he was a kid. I gotta give him credit because he lived his dream. One morning he must have woke up and told himself that it was time to be a cattle farmer. I flew over to see him when he was already a month or two into it. Every morning we would drive out and count the cattle to make sure one of them didn't jump the fence on account of they're expensive as hell, and you really don't want to lose any. Cattle move around a lot, they all look alike, and they're hard to count. They kinda sorta smell too. I learned very quickly to ask my dad how many he counted and just agreed with that number.

I still haven't figured out what my dream is yet. Some days I want to move to Santa Monica and just hang out at the pier everyday. Other days I want to live in Acapulco and sell fake gold trinkets to tourists on the beach. I guess the common denominator here is my dream is to be by the ocean. The motion, the ships, sand, and shore all fascinate me.

So I guess I need to figure out how to make a few bucks in either Santa Monica or Acapulco. Cause I'm gonna have to support this mid-life crisis thing. Maybe it won't be Santa Monica because now when I think of California I think of the song, "West Coast Girls" by Katy Perry. I hate that song! I really hate that song. You know why? Because I'm 50. But we won't let Katy Perry ruin my dream damm it. Besides if I move to Mexico I'd have to learn to speak the language. That country is so beautiful its almost worth it. I guess I'm gonna have to do an infomercial to support my mid-life. Sell something. But infomercials are a risky business. Only 1 in 4 are successful. But I'm a pretty confident guy and I think I could pull it off. Maybe I could do one of those get rich quick videos like the one that Tom Vu, the Vietnamese guy did about real estate back in the eighties? Surrounded himself with luxury's and beautiful women and said, "You want to be rich like me?" All I'd have to do is learn about real estate, luxury's, and beautiful women. It could happen.

Maybe I could do an infomercial about how to be a cattle farmer? Technically, I did help bring them to market one day so I have experience. "You want to be a rich cattle farmer like me?" "I can show you...just send $199 in three easy payments to Pier 69, Santa Monica, California!"

Alcohol tree ... lol..hahaha

Where were you on 9-11?

It takes a lot for my jaw to drop and stare in amazement. At 8:45 am on September 11, 2001, I had just poured a cup of coffee and I was walking the maze back to my office when a group of co-workers informed me that a plane out of Boston, MA had just struck the twin towers. For whatever reason the true impact didn't hit me at first. I remember thinking someone was going to lose their job over that episode. In my mind I figured a small plane was flying to low and a wing or something must have clipped some part of the tower. Then they told me it was a jet that flew directly into the north tower.

At the time I just lived a few blocks away from the office. Everyone was listening to the radio reports but I went to my office to turn on a television that hadn't been turned on in forever. The television had bad reception but they were already repeating the film of the impact over and over. The clouds of black smoke, the blaze, and people dying. I left the building and drove back to my home. I walked into my bedroom and unplugged the television, carried it out to my car, and returned to the office. The trip took less than fifteen minutes total but when I returned I was told another jet from Boston had flown into the south tower. Like everyone else in the world that's when I knew we were under terrorist attack.

I immediately set the television up in the verification room and a group of us watched in horror. During the next thirty minutes the Federal Aviation shut down all New York City airports and the Port Authority ordered all bridges and tunnels in New York and New Jersey closed. At 9:45 another jet crashed into the Pentagon and they announced the White House had been evacuated. I sent everyone home. Only a few of us, including the sequel, (ex-wife) remained at the office and we would be further shocked as we watched the report that another jet had crashed into a field in Pennsylvania.

By now the whole nation had been shut down. People were numb. Afraid for their families. Afraid for themselves. The world changed at 8:45 am on September 11, 2001. I changed. A new era had begun. Thousands of men, women, and children died. The horrific impact effected everyone in this country. This new era was created out of hatred towards Americans. We found out we were vulnerable. Americans felt hostility and animosity towards our attackers. We hated in return.

"Hatred begets hatred." I think its time we start looking for real solutions to world problems that are only being addressed by color coded alerts that create additional panic. None of us want to turn on the television and repeat the insanity that ensued on 9-11. You, me, and our families have 9-11 imprinted into our minds as the most tragic day in American history. Somewhere in the world someone could be plotting something bigger. Its time to put away the weapons and start opening our minds to solutions. I don't know the solution but I'm willing to be part of any reasonable strategy that would prevent another 9-11.

My friend Dennis called be this morning while I was writing this post. He told me he wasn't going to read anything about 9-11 today. He told me that we all knew what happened, it made him depressed to think about it, and he refused to take part in remembering the sadness. Sometimes I wish I was more like Dennis.

Best. DUI. Story. Ever.


Which I was able to give a source for this story but it was emailed to me and no one seems to know where the article came from. Not sure if its true but it beats any of my stories. DOUBLE CLICK THE STORY TO READ IT BETTER!

The Dead Kitten

Forwarded by Mike R

A little boy was visiting his grandparents on their farm and became attached to one of the kittens. This kitten, having no road sense, was killed by a passing car right in front of the little boy. The grandfather buried the kitten behind the barn, and the grandmother distracted the boy by giving him cookies and milk. While the little boy was eating, the following conversation took place."Grandma, what happened to the kitten?" "It was killed by a car. The kitten is dead.""Where does a kitten go when it dies?" "God takes the kitten to heaven."The little boy took another bite of cookie and then said, "But, Grandma, what does God want with a dead kitten?"

The Post Office

Forwarded by Mike R.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Deaf Wife

Forwarded by Mike R.
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you." The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf idiot!"

The Rabbit

Forwarded by Mike R.
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. er.. no.. what happened?". The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

A True Wild Story

Sent to me by my friend Margaret M.
For those who have served on jury...this one is something to think about...Just when you think you have heard everything!! Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess. This is an unbelievable twist of fate!!!


At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, (AAFS) President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a 10-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'

When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long- standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about 6 weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now for the exquisite twist... Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the 10 story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

A true story from Associated Press.

No Wonder Men Are Happier

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

The Shy Guy

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. He finally goes over to her and asks, "Like to dance?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" The guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. You see, I'm a student and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Fight Like A Man

There were three men talking in a bar. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third man remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” They asked. She said, “get out from under the bed and fight like a man”.

Aunt Mary

A teacher gave her class of 10 year olds an assignment... To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Maureen said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next young Tess raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Tess.'

Michael , do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Mary. Aunty Mary was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'


'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'


'Stay the heck away from Aunty Mary when she's been drinking.'

The legal drink

The bartender asks the man sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The man says, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be six dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "He's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me out of a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in this bar again."
The next day, same man walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the nerve to come back!"
The man says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the man replies, "Thanks. Make it a scotch."

Blonde on the Roof

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? She heard that the drinks were on the house!

Good Blonde Joke

Why did the blonde snort NutraSweet? She thought it was Diet Coke!

Forwarded by Jackie

The Confessional

After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.

After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window... nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit... still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally the drunk yells out... "Ain't no use knocking, there ain't no paper over here either!"

Submitted by Carrie

Airline Dinner

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
"Would you like dinner?", the flight attendant asked John , seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

The Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."

How Long For A Haircut?

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customer and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." He must be going some place where he gets seen right away.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

Forwarded by Margaret M.

Sunday School

A man is on a date with a very Christian Sunday school teacher. He asks the teacher if she would like to go to the bar for a drink. The teacher replies, "Oh no, what would I tell my Sunday school class." A minute later the man lights a cigarette, and asks the teacher if she would like one. Again the teacher replies, "Oh no, what would I tell my Sunday school class." As the man is driving the teacher home, they pass a hotel. The man thinks to himself what the hell, he asks the teacher if she would like to stop. To his surprise she says yes. shocked, he asks her, what would you tell your Sunday school class? She replies, "You don't have to drink and smoke to have a Good time."

Forwarded to me by Anne H.

Pony Joke

A pony walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, may I have a drink?” The bartender says, “What was that, I couldn’t hear you.” So the pony says, “I’m sorry, I’m just a little hoarse.”

New Years At Midnight

On New Year's Eve, Mary stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.