New Year Spirit

Once Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Green met during a party. After an hour talking and drinking Mrs. Smith told her friend, "They call my husband 'The Exorcist.'" With a great surprise Mrs. Green asked her, "Why?"

She replied, "At every party we attend, he soon gets rid of all the spirits."

Happy New Years

Women get more excited about New Year's Eve than men. If you think about it, you can see why. What do you do on New Year's Eve? You get drunk and make a lot of promises you don't keep. You see, men do that all the time, it's called dating.

Moral of the Story

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace.

Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.

The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.

Bad Neighbor

The preacher was having a serious talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to big fights with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.

"Can't you see, John," intoned the man of the cloth, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"

"Well, I sort of disagree then," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."

Scrooge

A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.

"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.
"I got it at a tree lot."

"Then why did you bring an axe?"

"Because I didn't want to pay."

Merry Christmas

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW Ipod...
I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

Women's Conference

This year at the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood right up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.

Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast beef."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own clothes but washed my clothes as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a wee little bit out of my right eye."

Do You Serve Lawyers

A man walks into a bar, leading an alligator on a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure I do," said the bartender.

"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for me 'gator."

What Time Does The Bar Open

At 6 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" He asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." Replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "What yoo shay the bar opens at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna get in... Ah wanna get OUT!!!"

Joke of the Day

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a draft beer.
Looking around, he sees five men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and she was wearing a tight sweater. Man, she has big boobs!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say anything. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker dude and would fight anyone.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still doesn’t say a word.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma loved it!'
At this point the biker gets up, takes the drunk by the back of his coat, looks him square in the eyes and says...
'Grandpa, you need to go home, you're drunk'