Can You Solve This Puzzle?

You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer is written right to left

round-go-merry the off ass drunk your Get
Forwarded by Margaret M.

August Joke of the Month

A nurse was working in the E.R. of a local hospital when a young woman with pink hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, showing multiple tattoos, and wearing grunge clothing entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled to have immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeon noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed bright green and directly above it there was a tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was successfully completed, the surgeon wrote a short note to the patient, which simply said, 'Sorry - We had to mow the lawn.'

Forwarded by Rich K.

LSD (Lake Shore Drive)

By Aliotta, Haynes and Jeremiah

Last night I couldn't sleep. So I'm sitting at my desk staring at a blank computer screen and I look at the clock and it reads...4am. I'm not sure why but I immediately googled the phrase in a song from long ago, “it's 4 o'clock in the morning and all the people have gone away.” As always google gave me the answer. It gave me a link to a youtube music video, 'Lake Shore Drive' better known in Chicago as 'LSD'. The last time I remember hearing that song I had just left traffic court. I was in a good mood because I had paid off a guy that paid off a guy and my 3 tickets were all dismissed. I was headed down Clark Street towards Lake Shore Drive. As I turned right to enter LSD this song came on the radio. I listened to it last night and for 3:56 I was home.

Joke of the Day

This year a Girl Scout sold 19,124 boxes of cookies by setting up shop on a street corner in a tough part of town. This is a new sales record.

A Girl Scout spokesperson stated that the guy selling dime bags of pot across the street was entirely coincidental.

My Ex-Wife the Pilot

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Troy because of bad weather.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.

Forwarded by Margaret M.

Man Caught Screwing a Pumpkin

Washington Post article... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dricula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.

"I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said:

"A pumpkin? it midnight already?"

Car Going The Wrong Way

As a man who had to much to drink was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. He fumbled for the phone and after he answered, he heard his wife's voice warning him, "Tom, I just heard on the radio that there's a car going the wrong way on expressway 75. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Tom. "It's hundreds of them!"

The Tipsy Blond and the Army Sergeant

A tough old Army Sergeant found himself at a wild party given by a local college fraternity looking for new recruits. There was plenty of very young attractive women at the party, and a tipsy young blond approached the Sergeant and started chatting after noticing he seemed like he wasn't having a very good time.

'Well hello, Sergeant, you seem to be a very serious person. Is something bothering you?'

'No ma'am. Army sergeants are always serious.'

The tipsy young lady looked at his metals and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, I've seen a lot of action.'

The tipsy young lady, trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should loosen up a bit. Relax and try to have fun.'

The Sergeant just stared at her in a very serious manner.

The tipsy young woman remarked, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'Last time was 1980, ma'am.'

'Well, that's it. No wonder you're so serious. I mean, no sex since 1980! She took his hand and led him to a bedroom where she proceeded to seduce him several times.

Afterwards, she whispered in his ear and said, 'My goodness, you sure didn't forget much since 1980.'

The Sergeant said in a very serious tone, after looking at his watch, 'I hope not, it's only 2200 now.'

Forwarded by Jim K.