July Joke of the Month

A farmer decided to take his five female pigs to the market to sell at a country fair. While having a beer at the fair, he met another farmer who had five male pigs. After a few beers, they decided to mate the pigs and split the profit. The farmers lived in different towns that were 20 miles apart. So they decided to meet half way, and let the pigs mate. The farmer with the female pigs got up at the crack of dawn and loaded the pigs into his truck and drove the 10 miles to the half-way point to meet his new friend with the male pigs. They let the pigs mate in an empty field. "How will I know if my pigs are pregnant?" The farmer with the male pigs answered, "If they're lying in the sun tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're playing in the mud, They didn't get pregnant." The next morning the pigs were playing in the mud. So he called his farmer friend on the phone, gave him the bad news, and loaded them into his truck to try again. Every morning for more than a week the farmer would look out the window the following morning to see his pigs playing in the mud and would have to drive the ten miles to meet the farmer with the male pigs. On the tenth morning the farmer with the male pigs called him on the phone very early and asked, "Are they lying in the sun or playing in the mud?" "Neither, they're in the truck, honking the horn!''

Joke of the Week 7/25/2009

"An Irishman walks out of a bar...hey, it could happen"

Forwarded by Mark M.
Top 10 Country and Western Songs

10. Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've Woke
Up With a Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She Gets Better Lookin' with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

Forwarded by Aly B.

Quote of the Week

President Calvin Coolidge was known for being very reserved and never volunteering more information than necessary. One night at a White House event, a woman bet her friend that she could get him to speak to her after she noticed he had a few cocktails. She walked up to him and said: "Hello, Mr. President, I bet my friend that I could get you to say three words to me."

"You lose," Coolidge replied and turned away.

Drunk Redneck Women

Bar Joke of the Week

A Mexican Chihuahua, an Irish Setter and a English Bulldog walk into a bar, sit down, and order a beer. They all notice a beautiful French Poodle sitting at the end of the bar and they all start hitting on her. The poodle responds, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can take me on a date."

The bulldog says, "I eats liver and cheese." The poodle says, "That's not good grammar."

The setter says, "I smell liver and cheese." The poodle says, "That won't do."

The Chihuahua won the date by saying, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

She Love's A Man In Uniform - Drinking Joke

Early one morning I was awakened by a phone call somewhere around 6am. It was a female friend who I worked with for many years who loved to party. She informed me she had been arrested for DUI and asked if I would be kind enough to bail her out of jail.
I headed down to the police station and paid her bail. On the ride to the police auto pound where they had taken her car I asked what happened.
“I was driving north on Coachman Drive and I passed a squad car parked on the south side of the street, so I did a u-turn and pulled up behind him.” She said.
“What made you do that?” I questioned.
“I'm not sure. I guess I just love a man in uniform.” She answered.
“So that's why he arrested you?”
“No. I started to flirt with him and he told me to leave him alone but I kept right on flirting.”
“So that's why the cop arrested you? For flirting with him?”
“No.” She answered. “He told me I appeared to be drunk and if I didn't leave he was going to make me blow.”
“So you kept on flirting and he arrested you.” I remarked.
“Well it was kind of like that.” She replied. “I kept flirting and he did ask me to blow...so I dropped to my knees and tried to unzip his pants.”