17 Times The Legal Limit

image: I'm not an alcoholic I'm a drunk
Statistics from doubleviking.com

•HIGHEST DOCUMENTED BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL -- Unidentified Latvian at .7% Here's an "underground" record, one not recognized by the Guinness book (probably because there was no Guinness representative around to certify it, but let's pretend it's for political reasons). So this 50-year-old Latvian mofo was caught with .7% blood alcohol level. No biggie, right? Let's put it into perspective -- this is 17 times the legal driving limit in Latvia and TWICE the amount considered LETHAL to human beings. And though he was found dead by the cops (yeah, Latvia has cops, go figure), remarkably, he wasn't killed by the frickin' alcohol... HE WAS RUN OVER BY A CAR! Oops! To get his blood alcohol level so high, specialists posited that he must've been drinking home-made alcohol for DAYS as it's impossible to reach that level in one day. See, Steven Petrosino, we're giving you props, but THIS guy went the distance.

Best Response From Drunk Screwing Pumpkin

Washington Post article... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dracula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.

"I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said:

"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

Catholic Confessional Joke

image: confession
A Catholic guy decides its been too long since his last confession and goes to church and enters the confessional box. He looks around the small dimly lit box and notices a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a tray of fine Cuban cigars. Then the priest walks in.

“Father, forgive me for I have sinned. It's been a long time since my last confession...but I must admit the confessional box is very inviting these days.”

The priest replies, “Get out. You are on my side.”

Forwarded to A/H by Rich K.

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Alcohol Improves Intelligence Joke

A herd of buffalo can only move as quickly as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the weakest and slowest buffalo's at the back that are the first killed. This natural process is good for the herd as a whole, because the average speed and strength of the whole herd keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest and slowest of the group.
In the same way, the human brain can only work as fast as the slowest and weakest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells, but it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. This goes to prove that regular consumption of liquor eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the human brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few drinks.

Forwarded by Margaret M.

A Minister, a Drunk, and a Baptism Joke

Image: Baptism
One day a drunk is wobbling along the shore of a riverbank when he notices a minister baptizing people from a local town. The drunk man walks into the shallow end of the river and bumps smack dab into the minister. The minister turns around and can immediately smell the alcohol.
“Are you ready and willing to find Jesus?” asked the minister.
“I sure am” replied the drunk.
The minister pushes the drunk down into the river by the shoulders and dunks the mans head under the water. After a few seconds the minister pulls the drunk up and asks him, “Have you found Jesus my son?”
The drunk responded, “Nope.”
Once again the minister dunks the drunk man under the water and holds his head for about 20 seconds and pulls him back up.
“My son, have you found Jesus?” yelled the minister.
The drunk shakes his head, wipes his eyes and says, “Are you sure this is the spot he fell in?”

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Man Walks into a Bar Joke...

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a martini."

The bartender replies, "Olive or twist?"

Nun in a Beer Garden Joke

Timmy O'Leary was sitting in the beer garden of his local pub having a cold one on a beautiful sunny day. A nun happened to be passing by and starts preaching about the evils of drinking.
“Drinking is evil and all it will get you is a place in hell!”, cried the Nun.
She continued to lecture Tim and after about five minutes of her ranting he became annoyed.
“Sister”, he asked “Are you a reformed drinker?”
“I've never had a drop in my life!”, answered the nun.
“If you have never drank then how can you say it's evil?” asked Tim. “Why don't you have a drink and then you will know if you are correct?”, Tim questioned.
“Well, I would be willing to try but what would people walking by think of a nun in a beer garden drinking alcohol?”, the Nun asked.
“I'll have them put a shot of whiskey in a coffee mug, and no one will be the wiser.”
The Nun reluctantly agreed and Tim walked inside and asked the bartender for a shot of whiskey in a coffee mug.
“Is that Nun here again!”, asked the bartender.

The Memorial Stone

John died after a hard life of drinking and drugging.

His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the funeral, his wife Maggie turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure John would be very happy,' she said.
'I'm sure you're right,' replied Joan, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

'How much did this everything cost if you don't mind me asking?'

'All of it,' said Maggie . 'Fifty thousand.'

'No!' Joan responded. 'I mean, it was a very beautiful funeral, but $50,000?'

Maggie replied, 'The funeral was $9,500. I donated $1000 to church. The whiskey, wine and food were another $1000. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'
Joan added things quickly. '$38,500 for a Memorial Stone? It must be beautiful!'
Maggie show her the Memorial Stone.

Sidewalk Drunk Joke

A very drunk man was stumbling along the street with one foot on the curb and the other foot in the gutter. A policeman pulled up alongside him and said, "Hey buddy. You've obviously had way too much to drink ."
The drunk asked, "Are you sure I'm drunk?"
"Yes, I'm sure," said the cop. "I'm going to have to arrest you for public intoxication."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the inebriated man said, "That's OK because I thought I was crippled."

Drunk Man Fort