She Has To Pee Really Bad

Drunk Russian Man

Stop Light Embedded In Truck At Bar = DUI

The driver of this vehicle hit a stop light but still drove two miles to the bar with the stop light attached to their truck. How impaired do you have to be? Maybe the light was green?
Forwarded by Marge B.

What Color Is Her Dress

Submitted by Marge B.

Unusual Bus Conversation

Two Italian men wait for a bus to arrive. Finally the bus arrives and both men take their seats right next to each other and begin having an unusual conversation.

A middle aged woman was sitting within earshot so she couldn't help but hear the conversation. At first she tried to ignore them but then she intently listened to them say the following:

'Emma comes first.
Then I come.
Then two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't continue to be silent.

'You are a disgusting man for speaking like that in public,' she boldly remarked.

'In this country we don't talk openly in public about our sex lives so that others can hear.

'I don'ta understands whata you mean,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex, lady? I'm a justa teaching my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi.'

Forwarded by Marge B.

Who Am I?

I am very useful and usually found to be in the area of about seven inches long. I'm enjoyed by both sexes and you can find me hung, dangling, and ready for action. I have a bunch of small hairy things on the bottom end and a little hole on the top. Ninety-nine percent of the time I'm inserted without objection, slowly at first, into a warm, moist, fleshy entrance where I thrust in and out repeatedly with an increase in speed and body movement. Most anyone would recognise the peculiar sounds I make while being used.
When I'm finished I leave behind a creamy, sticky, white substance which you'll need to clean from the main opening it entered and my shaft to prevent it from dripping or staining. After I am done and you're filled with satisfaction I'm left dangling, hoping for a second or third return later in the afternoon or evening. I am your toothbrush.

Drunk Girl Goes Wild On Cops

Monkey With A Death Wish

Sometimes alcohol isn't involved at all. Sometimes its just poor common sense.

Forwarded by Margaret M.

An Italian an Irishman, and a Polish Dude in a Bar

Image: Leprechaun_28
An Italian, an Irishman and a Polish dude were drinking in a bar. Of course they've had a few and all three think the bar is a really nice place. The Irishman says, “This is a grand bar but I come from County Cork where theres a bar called Thomas O'Shay's. At that Bar you buy a pint, you buy another pint, and then the owner Thomas O'Shay buys the third pint!”

The Italian says, “That sounds like a great bar but where I come from by the South side of Chicago there's a bar named Mario's. At Mario's you buy a beer, then Mario buys a beer...and that goes back and forth on all night.”

The Polish guy says, “That's nothing. Back where I come from in Poland there's a bar called Warzo's. At Warzo's you buy the first drink, you buy the second drink, you buy the third drink...then they take you in the back room and you get laid!”

The two other guys are very impressed. “Wow” said the Irishman. How many times did that happen to you?”

The Polish man replied, “Well it never happened to me but it happened to both of my sisters.”

This Is What Happens When You Drink and Drive

Happy His Wife Left Him

A man had just purchased a new Corvette as a gift to himself in honor of his wife finally leaving him. He had wanted a divorce for years but he just couldn't bring himself to tell her he no longer loved her. One day he came home from work to find a note on the kitchen table that said, “I don't love you anymore either and I've moved out.” from his wife.
He was driving along the back city roads with the top down feeling young again. He decided to see just how fast the vet could go and he put the peddle to the floor. He sped away as the engine roared and a few seconds later he looked at the needle on the speedometer and seen he was doing 95mph.
At that same moment he heard the sirens and when he looked in his mirror he saw the cop that was motioning for him to pull over. In a split second decision he hit the gas and watched the needle point to 100 mph. Then he quickly came to his senses and decided he shouldn't attempt to outrun a cop.
He pulled the car over to the side of the road and the cop drove up behind him. The cop slowly opened his door, got out , and walked up to the drivers side door of the vet. The man handed the police officer his license and registration and the cop looked it over and took off his sunglasses and said to the man, “I've been working for ten hours straight and its been a really long day. The last thing I feel like doing right now is paperwork but you broke the law. Unless you've have a really good excuse that I've never heard before for driving over 95 miles per hour I'm about to write you a ticket.
The driver of the vet thought about it for a second and replied, “A few days ago my wife left me for a cop. I thought you were trying to return her.”
The cop looked at him and said, “Have a nice day.” and walked back to his police car and drove away.

Young Lady and a Cop

Young Lady: Is there a problem, officer?
Cop: Yes, you were speeding.
Young Lady: I don't think I was speeding officer.
Cop: Can I see your drivers license?
Young Lady: I don't have one.
Cop: Why don't you have a drivers license?
Young Lady: They took it away for good after the third DUI.
Cop: May I see your automobile registration papers?
Young Lady: I'm unable to do that either.
Cop: Why is that ma'am?
Young Lady: This car is stolen.
Cop: You're telling me you stole this car?
Young Lady: Yes, and I also murdered the person that actually owns the car.
Cop: WHAT???
Young Lady: I cut him up into small pieces with a chainsaw. His body parts are in the trunk.
The Cop looks at the woman, then takes a few steps backwards, grabs his radio transmitter and calls for back up. Two minutes later four police cars close in on her car. A police captain slowly walks up to her car, with his gun partially drawn.
Captain: Miss, could you get out of your vehicle!
The lady steps out of her car.
Young Lady: What seems to be the problem?
Captain: One of my men called in that you have stolen this
car and killed the owner.
Young Lady: I haven't killed anyone.
Captain: Well, could you please open the trunk of your car,
The lady opens up the trunk, showing nothing but an empty trunk.
Captain: Is this your car, miss?
Young Lady: Yes, here's the registration.
The first cop is very puzzled.
Captain: One of my men claims that you don't have a drivers
The lady opens her purse and takes out her drivers license and
hands it to the caption. The caption looks at her license which is valid and current.
He looks very confused.
Captain: Thank you miss, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this vehicle, and that you killed and chopped
up the owner.
Young Lady: I bet that lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding too.

Drunk Falls Down a Hundred Stairs

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Three Dead Men and the Devil

Three men died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all a question.

To he first he said "what was your biggest sin on earth?" and the man replied "Oh man I just love booze and being drunk" so the devil showed the man to a room full of alcohol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said, "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.

To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied "oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife". So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of gorgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.

The third man's answer to the question was "oh dude, I just love weed! Im high all the time man and I can't live without it!". The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing weed you've ever seen! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying "see you in 100 years".

100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man's room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.
The devil opened the 2nd man's door and the man came running out of the room and cried "I'm gay I'm gay!". Finally the devil came to the third man's room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the weed, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked, "hey dude, got a light?"