Drunks Shouldn't Ice Fish

One cold winter a man came home very drunk like so many nights before to find out his wife was so upset that she had locked him out of the house. The drunk guy decided to spend the night in his garage because he knew there was camping equipment and blankets stored in a few cabinets. As he rummaged through the gear he came upon some ice fishing rods and a ice saw and he had a wonderful idea...he would leave and go ice fishing at a near by lake.
He was so drunk he decided he would just walk to the lake which was less than a mile away. He managed to stagger his way onto the ice, set up his stuff and began sawing a small hole in the ice.
From up above he heard a very loud booming voice say, “YOU WON'T FIND ANY FISH UNDER THAT ICE!”
The drunk looks up at the heavens and just shakes his head thinking he has had too much to drink and is hearing things. He continues to saw the hole in the ice but once again he hears the loud booming voice from up above say, “YOU WON'T FIND ANY FISH UNDER THAT ICE!”
The drunk stops and looks up at the heavens and says, “God? Is that you trying to tell me I should not ice fish?”
The voice says, “NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK!”

Blind Date at the Carnival

Mark and his blind date went to the carnival. "You choose, what would you like to do first, Kim?" Mark questioned. "I want to get weighed," said Kim. They strolled over to the 'Guess your weight' booth. The carni man guessed 126 pounds. Kim stepped up on the scale and it read 119 so she won a stuffed animal. Next the pair went on the Go Carts. When the ride was finished, Mark again asked Kim what she would like to do next. "I want to get weighed," she replied. And back to the 'Guess your weight' they returned. Since they had already been here before, the carni man guessed her weight correctly, and Mark lost his two dollars. The two walked around the carnival and again Mark asked what she wanted to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Now this time, Mark was thinking that she was kinda goofy and he just drove her home, and didn't even kiss her goodnight. Her roommate, Lisa, questioned her about the date, "How did things go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Wisa, it was wousy."

Drunk Needs A Push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is bang on the door. He turns over and looks at his alarm clock, and it's four in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time at 4am," he thinks to himself, and puts his head back down on the pillow. Then, a louder bang follows.
"Aren't you going to answer the door?" asks his wife.
So he pulls himself out of bed and walks down the stairs. He opens up the door and there is man standing on the porch. It was plain to see the man was drunk.
"Hello," slurs the man outside. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, go away. It's four in the morning. I was in bed asleep," said the man and slams the door shut. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night our car broke down in the rain on the way to my mothers and you had to knock on some man's house to get our car started again? What would have happened if he'd told you to get lost??"
"But this guy is drunk," said the husband.
"It doesn't matter if he's drunk," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do." So the husband gets back out of bed, gets dressed and goes back down the stairs.
He opens up the door, and he can't see the stranger anywhere so he shouts, "Hey, do you still need a push??"
And he hears a voice say, "Yes, please."
He still can't see the stranger so he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger responds, "I'm over here, on the swing."

Pothead Wants To Buy a Television

A pothead walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell anything to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a month later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

Bar Joke of the Week 4/26/09

A woman was shopping at her neighborhood grocery store where she put the following items in her basket:

One dozen large eggs,
One pound of Swiss cheese,
One box of brownie mix,
One twelve pack of soda,
Two pounds of coffee,
One gallon of whole milk.

As she was placed her items on the conveyor belt at the checkout, a drunk man standing behind her watched very closely. As the cashier was totaling her items, the drunk calmly said,"You must be single."

The woman was taken off guard, but she was intrigued by the drunks prediction, since she was in fact a single girl.
She looked at her food items on the counter and saw nothing unusual about her purchase that could have informed the drunk that she was single.

Curiously, she said "Yes, you're right. But how in the world did you know that?"
The drunk slurred, "'Because you're ugly. "

Drunk Bear

Lets Offend Everyone

LET’S OFFEND EVERYONE

Q. Where does an Irish family go for vacation?
A. A new bar
Q. What do you call an Italian with one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment
Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A. We're hiring
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the U.S.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either
Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with one sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired new baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong
Q. Name the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 75-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 75-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...'
A Southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

Hope I didn't leave anyone out because I'd hate to be accused of discrimination!
Forwarded to A/H by Bob W.

Top Ten Quotes From Police Officers

Top ten quotes from police officers.

These are the top ten comments given by police officers taken directly from their police car videos nationwide:

10. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

09. “If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.”

08. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.”

07. “How big were those two beers you say you had?”

06. “Warning? You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.”

05. “No sir, we don't have quotas any more. We use to but now we can write as many tickets as we want.”

04. “I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

03. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey crap.”

02. “You know stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.”

And the number one quote:

01. “You didn't think we give pretty woman tickets? You're right we don't. Sign here.”

Forwarded to me by Aly B.

The Priest and the Statue of a Naked Woman

A priest walked into a local bar to use the bathroom. The place was jumping with music and people dancing, until everyone saw the priest. As the room quieted down he walked up to the barkeep and asked, "May I please use the bathroom?" The barkeep replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the priest asked. "I really need to use the bathroom!" "Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's just covered by a fig leaf!" "Nonsense," said the priest. "I just won’t pay any attention to it!" So, the barkeep showed the priest the door at the end of the hall and he proceeded to the bathroom. After a couple of minutes, he came back out and the whole place was jumping with music and people dancing again! He went to the barkeep and said, "I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was jumping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the bathroom, and now the place is jumping again." "Well, now we feel more comfortable around you!" said the barkeep. "Would you like a drink too?" "But, I still don't understand," said the confused priest. "You see," laughed the barkeep, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole entire bar area. Now, how about that drink?"

DUI Dancing Under The Influence

The Blonde and the Australian Mom

A blonde woman went into an overnight letter/package center to send an important message to her mother overseas. Her mother lived in a remote tiny town in Australia and it was almost impossible to get a message there overnight.
When the man told her it would cost $200 she announced, "I don't have that much money!
But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Australia!" The man looked up and said "Anything?"
"Yes, anything" the blonde agreed. Interested, the man said, "Come with me".
He walked into the back room and said, "Come in and close the door behind you". She followed.
He told her, "Get on your knees". The blonde got on her knees. Then he said, "Pull down my zipper".
She pulled it down. He said, "Take it out". She took it out with both hands. The man closed his eyes and softly said, "Well?"
The blonde slowly brought her lips close, and while holding it with one hand she said loudly, "HELLO...MUM?

19 Year Old Trying To Buy Beer-LOL

Drunk Guy Explodes an SUV in My Backyard

Belligerent Bear

A bear goes into a local bar in Billings, Montana and sits at the bar. The bear bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender walks up and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very upset now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the back of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the back of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."

The bear says, "I don't do drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now, that was a Bar-bitch-you-ate."

Twitter Whore

The Drunk and the Bucket

A drunk guy gets up from the bar and walks to the bathroom. A few minutes go by and a loud, scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes later, another loud scream echo's through the bar.

The bartender walks into the bathroom to check out what the drunk is screaming about. What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the other patrons!"

The drunk replies, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and each time I try to flush, something squeezes the heck out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door and looks in. You fool! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

Ever Been This Drunk?

Blind Guys and Blondes

A blind man and his seeing-eye dog enter a bar and make their way to the middle of the bar.
After ordering a drink the blind guy says to the bartender, “You like to hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes so quite you could hear a pin drop.
In a low voice, the woman sitting next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know some facts, the bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' 2” tall, 210 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
Also, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a female boxer. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it for a minute, Dude. You still want to tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

This is your car on drugs

Doing drugs and driving a car never work out very well.

Britney Spears Abandons Stage

Banned Beer Bitch Commercial

Springbreak Mistake

Drunk Banned From Iraqi Wal-Mart

A drunk middle-aged Iraqi man has been arrested at the Iraq Wal-Mart Store located in Bagdad. Authorities claim the man is currently banned from Wal-Mart until after his execution next week.
In addition to the charge of being intoxicated, apparently Wal-Mart camera surveillance has video of the following allegations.

1) Took 28 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts.

2) Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

3) Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

4) While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

5) Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”


Wal-Mart made a press release later that day and stated the man was probably just having some fun and agreed to lift the ban after the man has been executed.
(fictional)

Sixty-Nine

A Chinese man comes home after a late night of drinking, and gets in bed next to his sleeping wife.
After lying silently for a few minutes, he wakes up his wife and says "Hey babe, want to do a sixty-nine?
"Well, of all the nerve! First you come home in the middle of the night, you're drunk, and now you expect me to go to the kitchen and fix you sweet and sour chicken with white rice!"

Due to my Catholic upbringing...

As I walked down a crowded street, knowing I was late for an important business meeting, my eye fell upon one of those less fortunate, homeless people that are found in every city nowadays.

Some bystanders turned to stare. Others quickly looked away, afraid the bum might ask for some change.

Remembering a priest from my childhood who made an admonition to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked', I was moved by something deep inside me to reach out to this unfortunate person.

This homeless person was wearing what could be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this sorrowful persons condition.

I wondered how did they get this way? Was it drugs? Alcohol? It didn’t matter.

Yes, some people saw only rags, but I saw a hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my mind said:

Reach out, Reach out!






So I did....





I won't be at church on Sunday!

Forwarded to A/H by Ally B.

Phychiatrists vs Bartenders

As a young child I always had a fear that someone or something was hiding under my bed at night. Even after I became an adult this fear still haunted me. After years of dealing with this problem daily I decided that it was time to seek professional help from a psychiatrist.

I made an appointment, and when the time came I told the shrink, 'I have a big problem. Every night when I go to bed I think there's somebody under it that wants to harm me. I'm tired of living in fear and I think I'm going insane.'

'You have a serious issue but I believe that we can cure it in about one year' replied the shrink. 'We should discuss this three times a week and we should be able to remove those fears.'

'How much do you charge?' 'One hundred dollars per hour,' replied the doctor. 'I'll think about it,' I said.

Three months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about that problem you were having?' he asked.

'Well, one hundred dollars a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender fixed me for free.

'I find that hard to believe!' he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender fix you?'

'He suggested I cut the legs off the bed! Now I know for sure that no one is there!'

The bottom line is before you spend your hard earned money on a psychiatrist have a drink and talk to your bartender!

Don't Touch Me

The bartender was cleaning the countertop when an old Irishman came in. The Irishman had a bad leg and he limped in, sat down, and asked for a glass of whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus sitting down there?"

The bartender responded yes, and the Irishman told him to give Jesus a glass of whiskey as well.

The next customer was a sickly Italian with a bad back. He slowly walked up to the barstool and asked for a glass of white wine. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of white wine, also.

The third customer, a redneck, walked in and yelled. "Bartender, set me up a cold beer. Then he asked if in fact that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar? The bartender nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold beer too.

As Jesus got up to leave the bar, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him on the leg and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman, his leg healed, got up and danced a jig to the door.

Jesus touched the Italian on the back and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten up and he did a flip out the front door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and said, "Don't touch me, I'm receiving disability!"

Top Ten Things That Are Impossible to Say When You're Drunk

10) No, I won’t have one for the road. My wife has dinner cooked and I need to go home now.
9) I’m sure you’ll meet someone who’s perfect for you but you’re really not my type.
8) Well hello officer, isn’t it a beautiful night out tonight?
7) No matter what you say I won’t fight you.
6) I’m sorry but I only sing in the shower…never in public!
5) Where’s the nearest bathroom? I won’t vomit here in the street.
4) Its 10pm and I have to leave now so I get enough rest to wake up fresh for work tomorrow.
3) I’m sorry but I don’t dance because I’m so uncoordinated.
2) No, I don’t want to use my ATM card to withdraw more cash.
1) Could you drive me to rehab? I think I have a drinking problem.

Freudian Slip

Two friends met at a bar just outside Philadelphia. While having a few beers the first man confided in his friend that he had recently made a Freudian slip. He said that just the other day he asked the train conductor for a picket to Tittsburgh.
His friend acknowledged that he also did something similar just the other day. He said that he was having breakfast with his wife and instead of saying, “Honey, can you pass the cream he said, “You bitch, you’ve ruined my life!”

Free Beer

A guy goes into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $6.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
The guy then goes outside and tells a friend he sees that the bartender can't remember if his customers have paid.
The second man then goes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same scam.
The barkeep responds, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Then that customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get some free drinks.
The man rushes into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here today. Two guy’s were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the nose."
"The nerve of some people," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

The Bar Bully

There was this man sitting at a bar staring at his drink. The man stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, the bar bully sits down next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and drinks it down. The poor man starts crying.
The bar bully says, “Come on, I was just having fun. Look, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a grown man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. Today is the worst of my life. First, I wake up late. My boss is very angry and fires me for not being on time.
When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out someone stole it. The police said all I can do is make a report.
I get a cab to go home, and when I leave, I remember I left my wallet in the cab. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with my best friend. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was going to end my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Man Arrested for DUI Riding a Mortorized Barstool