The Drunk and the Ball Game


Forwarded by Jim K.

Drunk Pumpkins

Bar Joke of the Week

Two women go out one night without their husbands. As they came back, just before 2am, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and very drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to wipe herself with, so she took her underwear off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my underwear..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.
The next morning, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that our wives were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her underwear..." The other one said, "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."

Heroin Addict Survives Coma

A young woman has a brush with death in a coma induced by her heroin addiction. She started in an affluent suburban high school taking pain killers, oxycontin and then graduating to heroin.

Bar Joke of the Day

A cowboy walks into a bar and he realizes it's a gay bar.

But what the heck, he says to himself, "I can really use a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your weewee?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your weewee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies.'"

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity
Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'" and gives a wink.

Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN.

Submitted by Jim K.

Dumbest Cop Ever - Fox News

A cop calls 911 after having a bad reaction to marijuana.

Forwarded by Marge B.