New Year Spirit

Once Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Green met during a party. After an hour talking and drinking Mrs. Smith told her friend, "They call my husband 'The Exorcist.'" With a great surprise Mrs. Green asked her, "Why?"

She replied, "At every party we attend, he soon gets rid of all the spirits."

Happy New Years

Women get more excited about New Year's Eve than men. If you think about it, you can see why. What do you do on New Year's Eve? You get drunk and make a lot of promises you don't keep. You see, men do that all the time, it's called dating.

Moral of the Story

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace.

Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.

The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.

Bad Neighbor

The preacher was having a serious talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to big fights with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.

"Can't you see, John," intoned the man of the cloth, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"

"Well, I sort of disagree then," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."

Scrooge

A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.

"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.
"I got it at a tree lot."

"Then why did you bring an axe?"

"Because I didn't want to pay."

Merry Christmas

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW Ipod...
I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

Women's Conference

This year at the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood right up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.

Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast beef."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own clothes but washed my clothes as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a wee little bit out of my right eye."

Do You Serve Lawyers

A man walks into a bar, leading an alligator on a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure I do," said the bartender.

"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for me 'gator."

What Time Does The Bar Open

At 6 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" He asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." Replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "What yoo shay the bar opens at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna get in... Ah wanna get OUT!!!"

Joke of the Day

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a draft beer.
Looking around, he sees five men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and she was wearing a tight sweater. Man, she has big boobs!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say anything. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker dude and would fight anyone.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still doesn’t say a word.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma loved it!'
At this point the biker gets up, takes the drunk by the back of his coat, looks him square in the eyes and says...
'Grandpa, you need to go home, you're drunk'

Quickie Joke

Have you ever heard of 60 second sex? No. Got a minute?

Who Wants To Be a Millonaire

One night a man came home late from the bar and jumped into bed with his wife who was watching a rerun of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."

"Do you want to fool around?" He asked.

"No," she answered.

He then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at him, but responded, "Yes."

So he slurred, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

A Few Beers and a Rude Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

One day after a few beers, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard

for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and

unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Happy Thanksgiving
A carton of yogurt walk into a bar. The barman says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
The yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why? I’m cultured.”

October Drunk Joke of the Month

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

Bar Joke of the Week

Two women go out one night without their husbands. As they came back, just before 2am, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and very drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to wipe herself with, so she took her underwear off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my underwear..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.
The next morning, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that our wives were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her underwear..." The other one said, "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."

Heroin Addict Survives Coma

A young woman has a brush with death in a coma induced by her heroin addiction. She started in an affluent suburban high school taking pain killers, oxycontin and then graduating to heroin.

Bar Joke of the Day

A cowboy walks into a bar and he realizes it's a gay bar.

But what the heck, he says to himself, "I can really use a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your weewee?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your weewee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies.'"

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity
Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'" and gives a wink.

Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN.

Submitted by Jim K.

Dumbest Cop Ever - Fox News

A cop calls 911 after having a bad reaction to marijuana.

Forwarded by Marge B.

Quote of the Year: Judge Judy And The Prostitute

Judge Judy to prostitute : 'So when did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'

Forwarded by Jim K.

Joke of the Day

An E.R. doctor was speaking with a young patient who was complaining of a terrible headache and vomiting.
"I can't seem to find a cause for your illness," the doctor commented. "But to be honest, I think it's due to heavy drinking."
"Well if that's the case," said his patient, "I'll come back tomorrow when you're sober."

New To Me Blonde Joke

A blonde dropped off a blouse at the dry cleaners.
On her way out the door, the woman working at the counter said "Come Again."

The blonde turned and said, "No, if you must know it's toothpaste this time
you nosey bitch!"

Submitted by Jim K.

Can You Solve This Puzzle?

You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer is written right to left

round-go-merry the off ass drunk your Get
Forwarded by Margaret M.

August Joke of the Month

A nurse was working in the E.R. of a local hospital when a young woman with pink hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, showing multiple tattoos, and wearing grunge clothing entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled to have immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeon noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed bright green and directly above it there was a tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was successfully completed, the surgeon wrote a short note to the patient, which simply said, 'Sorry - We had to mow the lawn.'

Forwarded by Rich K.

LSD (Lake Shore Drive)


By Aliotta, Haynes and Jeremiah


Last night I couldn't sleep. So I'm sitting at my desk staring at a blank computer screen and I look at the clock and it reads...4am. I'm not sure why but I immediately googled the phrase in a song from long ago, “it's 4 o'clock in the morning and all the people have gone away.” As always google gave me the answer. It gave me a link to a youtube music video, 'Lake Shore Drive' better known in Chicago as 'LSD'. The last time I remember hearing that song I had just left traffic court. I was in a good mood because I had paid off a guy that paid off a guy and my 3 tickets were all dismissed. I was headed down Clark Street towards Lake Shore Drive. As I turned right to enter LSD this song came on the radio. I listened to it last night and for 3:56 I was home.

Joke of the Day

This year a Girl Scout sold 19,124 boxes of cookies by setting up shop on a street corner in a tough part of town. This is a new sales record.

A Girl Scout spokesperson stated that the guy selling dime bags of pot across the street was entirely coincidental.

My Ex-Wife the Pilot

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Troy because of bad weather.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.


Forwarded by Margaret M.

Man Caught Screwing a Pumpkin

Washington Post article... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dricula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.

"I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said:

"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

Car Going The Wrong Way

As a man who had to much to drink was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. He fumbled for the phone and after he answered, he heard his wife's voice warning him, "Tom, I just heard on the radio that there's a car going the wrong way on expressway 75. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Tom. "It's hundreds of them!"

The Tipsy Blond and the Army Sergeant

A tough old Army Sergeant found himself at a wild party given by a local college fraternity looking for new recruits. There was plenty of very young attractive women at the party, and a tipsy young blond approached the Sergeant and started chatting after noticing he seemed like he wasn't having a very good time.

'Well hello, Sergeant, you seem to be a very serious person. Is something bothering you?'

'No ma'am. Army sergeants are always serious.'

The tipsy young lady looked at his metals and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, I've seen a lot of action.'

The tipsy young lady, trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should loosen up a bit. Relax and try to have fun.'

The Sergeant just stared at her in a very serious manner.

The tipsy young woman remarked, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'Last time was 1980, ma'am.'

'Well, that's it. No wonder you're so serious. I mean, no sex since 1980! She took his hand and led him to a bedroom where she proceeded to seduce him several times.

Afterwards, she whispered in his ear and said, 'My goodness, you sure didn't forget much since 1980.'

The Sergeant said in a very serious tone, after looking at his watch, 'I hope not, it's only 2200 now.'

Forwarded by Jim K.

July Joke of the Month

A farmer decided to take his five female pigs to the market to sell at a country fair. While having a beer at the fair, he met another farmer who had five male pigs. After a few beers, they decided to mate the pigs and split the profit. The farmers lived in different towns that were 20 miles apart. So they decided to meet half way, and let the pigs mate. The farmer with the female pigs got up at the crack of dawn and loaded the pigs into his truck and drove the 10 miles to the half-way point to meet his new friend with the male pigs. They let the pigs mate in an empty field. "How will I know if my pigs are pregnant?" The farmer with the male pigs answered, "If they're lying in the sun tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're playing in the mud, They didn't get pregnant." The next morning the pigs were playing in the mud. So he called his farmer friend on the phone, gave him the bad news, and loaded them into his truck to try again. Every morning for more than a week the farmer would look out the window the following morning to see his pigs playing in the mud and would have to drive the ten miles to meet the farmer with the male pigs. On the tenth morning the farmer with the male pigs called him on the phone very early and asked, "Are they lying in the sun or playing in the mud?" "Neither, they're in the truck, honking the horn!''

Joke of the Week 7/25/2009

"An Irishman walks out of a bar...hey, it could happen"


Forwarded by Mark M.
Top 10 Country and Western Songs

10. Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've Woke
Up With a Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She Gets Better Lookin' with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

Forwarded by Aly B.

Quote of the Week

President Calvin Coolidge was known for being very reserved and never volunteering more information than necessary. One night at a White House event, a woman bet her friend that she could get him to speak to her after she noticed he had a few cocktails. She walked up to him and said: "Hello, Mr. President, I bet my friend that I could get you to say three words to me."

"You lose," Coolidge replied and turned away.

Drunk Redneck Women

Bar Joke of the Week

A Mexican Chihuahua, an Irish Setter and a English Bulldog walk into a bar, sit down, and order a beer. They all notice a beautiful French Poodle sitting at the end of the bar and they all start hitting on her. The poodle responds, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can take me on a date."

The bulldog says, "I eats liver and cheese." The poodle says, "That's not good grammar."

The setter says, "I smell liver and cheese." The poodle says, "That won't do."

The Chihuahua won the date by saying, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

She Love's A Man In Uniform - Drinking Joke

Early one morning I was awakened by a phone call somewhere around 6am. It was a female friend who I worked with for many years who loved to party. She informed me she had been arrested for DUI and asked if I would be kind enough to bail her out of jail.
I headed down to the police station and paid her bail. On the ride to the police auto pound where they had taken her car I asked what happened.
“I was driving north on Coachman Drive and I passed a squad car parked on the south side of the street, so I did a u-turn and pulled up behind him.” She said.
“What made you do that?” I questioned.
“I'm not sure. I guess I just love a man in uniform.” She answered.
“So that's why he arrested you?”
“No. I started to flirt with him and he told me to leave him alone but I kept right on flirting.”
“So that's why the cop arrested you? For flirting with him?”
“No.” She answered. “He told me I appeared to be drunk and if I didn't leave he was going to make me blow.”
“So you kept on flirting and he arrested you.” I remarked.
“Well it was kind of like that.” She replied. “I kept flirting and he did ask me to blow...so I dropped to my knees and tried to unzip his pants.”

17 Times The Legal Limit

image: I'm not an alcoholic I'm a drunk
Statistics from doubleviking.com

•HIGHEST DOCUMENTED BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL -- Unidentified Latvian at .7% Here's an "underground" record, one not recognized by the Guinness book (probably because there was no Guinness representative around to certify it, but let's pretend it's for political reasons). So this 50-year-old Latvian mofo was caught with .7% blood alcohol level. No biggie, right? Let's put it into perspective -- this is 17 times the legal driving limit in Latvia and TWICE the amount considered LETHAL to human beings. And though he was found dead by the cops (yeah, Latvia has cops, go figure), remarkably, he wasn't killed by the frickin' alcohol... HE WAS RUN OVER BY A CAR! Oops! To get his blood alcohol level so high, specialists posited that he must've been drinking home-made alcohol for DAYS as it's impossible to reach that level in one day. See, Steven Petrosino, we're giving you props, but THIS guy went the distance.

Best Response From Drunk Screwing Pumpkin

Washington Post article... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dracula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.

"I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said:

"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

Catholic Confessional Joke

image: confession
A Catholic guy decides its been too long since his last confession and goes to church and enters the confessional box. He looks around the small dimly lit box and notices a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a tray of fine Cuban cigars. Then the priest walks in.

“Father, forgive me for I have sinned. It's been a long time since my last confession...but I must admit the confessional box is very inviting these days.”

The priest replies, “Get out. You are on my side.”


Forwarded to A/H by Rich K.

Drunk Guy Shoots Fireworks Out His Ass - Video

Alcohol Improves Intelligence Joke

A herd of buffalo can only move as quickly as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the weakest and slowest buffalo's at the back that are the first killed. This natural process is good for the herd as a whole, because the average speed and strength of the whole herd keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest and slowest of the group.
In the same way, the human brain can only work as fast as the slowest and weakest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells, but it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. This goes to prove that regular consumption of liquor eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the human brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few drinks.

Forwarded by Margaret M.

A Minister, a Drunk, and a Baptism Joke

Image: Baptism
One day a drunk is wobbling along the shore of a riverbank when he notices a minister baptizing people from a local town. The drunk man walks into the shallow end of the river and bumps smack dab into the minister. The minister turns around and can immediately smell the alcohol.
“Are you ready and willing to find Jesus?” asked the minister.
“I sure am” replied the drunk.
The minister pushes the drunk down into the river by the shoulders and dunks the mans head under the water. After a few seconds the minister pulls the drunk up and asks him, “Have you found Jesus my son?”
The drunk responded, “Nope.”
Once again the minister dunks the drunk man under the water and holds his head for about 20 seconds and pulls him back up.
“My son, have you found Jesus?” yelled the minister.
The drunk shakes his head, wipes his eyes and says, “Are you sure this is the spot he fell in?”

Katt Williams Stand Up On Weed -Video

Man Walks into a Bar Joke...

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a martini."

The bartender replies, "Olive or twist?"

Nun in a Beer Garden Joke

nun
Timmy O'Leary was sitting in the beer garden of his local pub having a cold one on a beautiful sunny day. A nun happened to be passing by and starts preaching about the evils of drinking.
“Drinking is evil and all it will get you is a place in hell!”, cried the Nun.
She continued to lecture Tim and after about five minutes of her ranting he became annoyed.
“Sister”, he asked “Are you a reformed drinker?”
“I've never had a drop in my life!”, answered the nun.
“If you have never drank then how can you say it's evil?” asked Tim. “Why don't you have a drink and then you will know if you are correct?”, Tim questioned.
“Well, I would be willing to try but what would people walking by think of a nun in a beer garden drinking alcohol?”, the Nun asked.
“I'll have them put a shot of whiskey in a coffee mug, and no one will be the wiser.”
The Nun reluctantly agreed and Tim walked inside and asked the bartender for a shot of whiskey in a coffee mug.
“Is that Nun here again!”, asked the bartender.

The Memorial Stone

John died after a hard life of drinking and drugging.

His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the funeral, his wife Maggie turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure John would be very happy,' she said.
'I'm sure you're right,' replied Joan, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

'How much did this everything cost if you don't mind me asking?'

'All of it,' said Maggie . 'Fifty thousand.'

'No!' Joan responded. 'I mean, it was a very beautiful funeral, but $50,000?'

Maggie replied, 'The funeral was $9,500. I donated $1000 to church. The whiskey, wine and food were another $1000. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'
Joan added things quickly. '$38,500 for a Memorial Stone? It must be beautiful!'
Maggie show her the Memorial Stone.



Sidewalk Drunk Joke

A very drunk man was stumbling along the street with one foot on the curb and the other foot in the gutter. A policeman pulled up alongside him and said, "Hey buddy. You've obviously had way too much to drink ."
The drunk asked, "Are you sure I'm drunk?"
"Yes, I'm sure," said the cop. "I'm going to have to arrest you for public intoxication."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the inebriated man said, "That's OK because I thought I was crippled."

Drunk Man Fort

Stop Light Embedded In Truck At Bar = DUI




The driver of this vehicle hit a stop light but still drove two miles to the bar with the stop light attached to their truck. How impaired do you have to be? Maybe the light was green?
Forwarded by Marge B.

What Color Is Her Dress



Submitted by Marge B.

Unusual Bus Conversation

Two Italian men wait for a bus to arrive. Finally the bus arrives and both men take their seats right next to each other and begin having an unusual conversation.

A middle aged woman was sitting within earshot so she couldn't help but hear the conversation. At first she tried to ignore them but then she intently listened to them say the following:

'Emma comes first.
Then I come.
Then two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't continue to be silent.

'You are a disgusting man for speaking like that in public,' she boldly remarked.

'In this country we don't talk openly in public about our sex lives so that others can hear.

'I don'ta understands whata you mean,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex, lady? I'm a justa teaching my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi.'

Forwarded by Marge B.

Who Am I?

I am very useful and usually found to be in the area of about seven inches long. I'm enjoyed by both sexes and you can find me hung, dangling, and ready for action. I have a bunch of small hairy things on the bottom end and a little hole on the top. Ninety-nine percent of the time I'm inserted without objection, slowly at first, into a warm, moist, fleshy entrance where I thrust in and out repeatedly with an increase in speed and body movement. Most anyone would recognise the peculiar sounds I make while being used.
When I'm finished I leave behind a creamy, sticky, white substance which you'll need to clean from the main opening it entered and my shaft to prevent it from dripping or staining. After I am done and you're filled with satisfaction I'm left dangling, hoping for a second or third return later in the afternoon or evening. I am your toothbrush.

Drunk Girl Goes Wild On Cops

Monkey With A Death Wish



Sometimes alcohol isn't involved at all. Sometimes its just poor common sense.

Forwarded by Margaret M.

An Italian an Irishman, and a Polish Dude in a Bar

Image: Leprechaun_28
An Italian, an Irishman and a Polish dude were drinking in a bar. Of course they've had a few and all three think the bar is a really nice place. The Irishman says, “This is a grand bar but I come from County Cork where theres a bar called Thomas O'Shay's. At that Bar you buy a pint, you buy another pint, and then the owner Thomas O'Shay buys the third pint!”

The Italian says, “That sounds like a great bar but where I come from by the South side of Chicago there's a bar named Mario's. At Mario's you buy a beer, then Mario buys a beer...and that goes back and forth on all night.”

The Polish guy says, “That's nothing. Back where I come from in Poland there's a bar called Warzo's. At Warzo's you buy the first drink, you buy the second drink, you buy the third drink...then they take you in the back room and you get laid!”

The two other guys are very impressed. “Wow” said the Irishman. How many times did that happen to you?”

The Polish man replied, “Well it never happened to me but it happened to both of my sisters.”

This Is What Happens When You Drink and Drive

Happy His Wife Left Him

A man had just purchased a new Corvette as a gift to himself in honor of his wife finally leaving him. He had wanted a divorce for years but he just couldn't bring himself to tell her he no longer loved her. One day he came home from work to find a note on the kitchen table that said, “I don't love you anymore either and I've moved out.” from his wife.
He was driving along the back city roads with the top down feeling young again. He decided to see just how fast the vet could go and he put the peddle to the floor. He sped away as the engine roared and a few seconds later he looked at the needle on the speedometer and seen he was doing 95mph.
At that same moment he heard the sirens and when he looked in his mirror he saw the cop that was motioning for him to pull over. In a split second decision he hit the gas and watched the needle point to 100 mph. Then he quickly came to his senses and decided he shouldn't attempt to outrun a cop.
He pulled the car over to the side of the road and the cop drove up behind him. The cop slowly opened his door, got out , and walked up to the drivers side door of the vet. The man handed the police officer his license and registration and the cop looked it over and took off his sunglasses and said to the man, “I've been working for ten hours straight and its been a really long day. The last thing I feel like doing right now is paperwork but you broke the law. Unless you've have a really good excuse that I've never heard before for driving over 95 miles per hour I'm about to write you a ticket.
The driver of the vet thought about it for a second and replied, “A few days ago my wife left me for a cop. I thought you were trying to return her.”
The cop looked at him and said, “Have a nice day.” and walked back to his police car and drove away.

Young Lady and a Cop

Young Lady: Is there a problem, officer?
Cop: Yes, you were speeding.
Young Lady: I don't think I was speeding officer.
Cop: Can I see your drivers license?
Young Lady: I don't have one.
Cop: Why don't you have a drivers license?
Young Lady: They took it away for good after the third DUI.
Cop: May I see your automobile registration papers?
Young Lady: I'm unable to do that either.
Cop: Why is that ma'am?
Young Lady: This car is stolen.
Cop: You're telling me you stole this car?
Young Lady: Yes, and I also murdered the person that actually owns the car.
Cop: WHAT???
Young Lady: I cut him up into small pieces with a chainsaw. His body parts are in the trunk.
The Cop looks at the woman, then takes a few steps backwards, grabs his radio transmitter and calls for back up. Two minutes later four police cars close in on her car. A police captain slowly walks up to her car, with his gun partially drawn.
Captain: Miss, could you get out of your vehicle!
The lady steps out of her car.
Young Lady: What seems to be the problem?
Captain: One of my men called in that you have stolen this
car and killed the owner.
Young Lady: I haven't killed anyone.
Captain: Well, could you please open the trunk of your car,
Miss.
The lady opens up the trunk, showing nothing but an empty trunk.
Captain: Is this your car, miss?
Young Lady: Yes, here's the registration.
The first cop is very puzzled.
Captain: One of my men claims that you don't have a drivers
license.
The lady opens her purse and takes out her drivers license and
hands it to the caption. The caption looks at her license which is valid and current.
He looks very confused.
Captain: Thank you miss, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this vehicle, and that you killed and chopped
up the owner.
Young Lady: I bet that lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding too.

Drunk Falls Down a Hundred Stairs

Lots more videos at http://www.alcoholichumor.com/

Three Dead Men and the Devil

Three men died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all a question.

To he first he said "what was your biggest sin on earth?" and the man replied "Oh man I just love booze and being drunk" so the devil showed the man to a room full of alcohol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said, "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.

To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied "oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife". So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of gorgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.

The third man's answer to the question was "oh dude, I just love weed! Im high all the time man and I can't live without it!". The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing weed you've ever seen! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying "see you in 100 years".

100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man's room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.
The devil opened the 2nd man's door and the man came running out of the room and cried "I'm gay I'm gay!". Finally the devil came to the third man's room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the weed, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked, "hey dude, got a light?"

Drunks Shouldn't Ice Fish

One cold winter a man came home very drunk like so many nights before to find out his wife was so upset that she had locked him out of the house. The drunk guy decided to spend the night in his garage because he knew there was camping equipment and blankets stored in a few cabinets. As he rummaged through the gear he came upon some ice fishing rods and a ice saw and he had a wonderful idea...he would leave and go ice fishing at a near by lake.
He was so drunk he decided he would just walk to the lake which was less than a mile away. He managed to stagger his way onto the ice, set up his stuff and began sawing a small hole in the ice.
From up above he heard a very loud booming voice say, “YOU WON'T FIND ANY FISH UNDER THAT ICE!”
The drunk looks up at the heavens and just shakes his head thinking he has had too much to drink and is hearing things. He continues to saw the hole in the ice but once again he hears the loud booming voice from up above say, “YOU WON'T FIND ANY FISH UNDER THAT ICE!”
The drunk stops and looks up at the heavens and says, “God? Is that you trying to tell me I should not ice fish?”
The voice says, “NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK!”

Blind Date at the Carnival

Mark and his blind date went to the carnival. "You choose, what would you like to do first, Kim?" Mark questioned. "I want to get weighed," said Kim. They strolled over to the 'Guess your weight' booth. The carni man guessed 126 pounds. Kim stepped up on the scale and it read 119 so she won a stuffed animal. Next the pair went on the Go Carts. When the ride was finished, Mark again asked Kim what she would like to do next. "I want to get weighed," she replied. And back to the 'Guess your weight' they returned. Since they had already been here before, the carni man guessed her weight correctly, and Mark lost his two dollars. The two walked around the carnival and again Mark asked what she wanted to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Now this time, Mark was thinking that she was kinda goofy and he just drove her home, and didn't even kiss her goodnight. Her roommate, Lisa, questioned her about the date, "How did things go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Wisa, it was wousy."

Drunk Needs A Push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is bang on the door. He turns over and looks at his alarm clock, and it's four in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time at 4am," he thinks to himself, and puts his head back down on the pillow. Then, a louder bang follows.
"Aren't you going to answer the door?" asks his wife.
So he pulls himself out of bed and walks down the stairs. He opens up the door and there is man standing on the porch. It was plain to see the man was drunk.
"Hello," slurs the man outside. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, go away. It's four in the morning. I was in bed asleep," said the man and slams the door shut. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night our car broke down in the rain on the way to my mothers and you had to knock on some man's house to get our car started again? What would have happened if he'd told you to get lost??"
"But this guy is drunk," said the husband.
"It doesn't matter if he's drunk," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do." So the husband gets back out of bed, gets dressed and goes back down the stairs.
He opens up the door, and he can't see the stranger anywhere so he shouts, "Hey, do you still need a push??"
And he hears a voice say, "Yes, please."
He still can't see the stranger so he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger responds, "I'm over here, on the swing."

Pothead Wants To Buy a Television

A pothead walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell anything to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a month later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

Bar Joke of the Week 4/26/09

A woman was shopping at her neighborhood grocery store where she put the following items in her basket:

One dozen large eggs,
One pound of Swiss cheese,
One box of brownie mix,
One twelve pack of soda,
Two pounds of coffee,
One gallon of whole milk.

As she was placed her items on the conveyor belt at the checkout, a drunk man standing behind her watched very closely. As the cashier was totaling her items, the drunk calmly said,"You must be single."

The woman was taken off guard, but she was intrigued by the drunks prediction, since she was in fact a single girl.
She looked at her food items on the counter and saw nothing unusual about her purchase that could have informed the drunk that she was single.

Curiously, she said "Yes, you're right. But how in the world did you know that?"
The drunk slurred, "'Because you're ugly. "

Drunk Bear

Lets Offend Everyone

LET’S OFFEND EVERYONE

Q. Where does an Irish family go for vacation?
A. A new bar
Q. What do you call an Italian with one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment
Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A. We're hiring
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the U.S.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either
Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with one sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired new baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong
Q. Name the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 75-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 75-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...'
A Southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

Hope I didn't leave anyone out because I'd hate to be accused of discrimination!
Forwarded to A/H by Bob W.

Top Ten Quotes From Police Officers

Top ten quotes from police officers.

These are the top ten comments given by police officers taken directly from their police car videos nationwide:

10. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

09. “If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.”

08. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.”

07. “How big were those two beers you say you had?”

06. “Warning? You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.”

05. “No sir, we don't have quotas any more. We use to but now we can write as many tickets as we want.”

04. “I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

03. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey crap.”

02. “You know stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.”

And the number one quote:

01. “You didn't think we give pretty woman tickets? You're right we don't. Sign here.”

Forwarded to me by Aly B.

The Priest and the Statue of a Naked Woman

A priest walked into a local bar to use the bathroom. The place was jumping with music and people dancing, until everyone saw the priest. As the room quieted down he walked up to the barkeep and asked, "May I please use the bathroom?" The barkeep replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the priest asked. "I really need to use the bathroom!" "Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's just covered by a fig leaf!" "Nonsense," said the priest. "I just won’t pay any attention to it!" So, the barkeep showed the priest the door at the end of the hall and he proceeded to the bathroom. After a couple of minutes, he came back out and the whole place was jumping with music and people dancing again! He went to the barkeep and said, "I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was jumping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the bathroom, and now the place is jumping again." "Well, now we feel more comfortable around you!" said the barkeep. "Would you like a drink too?" "But, I still don't understand," said the confused priest. "You see," laughed the barkeep, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole entire bar area. Now, how about that drink?"

DUI Dancing Under The Influence

The Blonde and the Australian Mom

A blonde woman went into an overnight letter/package center to send an important message to her mother overseas. Her mother lived in a remote tiny town in Australia and it was almost impossible to get a message there overnight.
When the man told her it would cost $200 she announced, "I don't have that much money!
But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Australia!" The man looked up and said "Anything?"
"Yes, anything" the blonde agreed. Interested, the man said, "Come with me".
He walked into the back room and said, "Come in and close the door behind you". She followed.
He told her, "Get on your knees". The blonde got on her knees. Then he said, "Pull down my zipper".
She pulled it down. He said, "Take it out". She took it out with both hands. The man closed his eyes and softly said, "Well?"
The blonde slowly brought her lips close, and while holding it with one hand she said loudly, "HELLO...MUM?

19 Year Old Trying To Buy Beer-LOL

Drunk Guy Explodes an SUV in My Backyard

Belligerent Bear

A bear goes into a local bar in Billings, Montana and sits at the bar. The bear bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender walks up and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very upset now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the back of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the back of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."

The bear says, "I don't do drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now, that was a Bar-bitch-you-ate."

Twitter Whore

The Drunk and the Bucket

A drunk guy gets up from the bar and walks to the bathroom. A few minutes go by and a loud, scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes later, another loud scream echo's through the bar.

The bartender walks into the bathroom to check out what the drunk is screaming about. What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the other patrons!"

The drunk replies, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and each time I try to flush, something squeezes the heck out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door and looks in. You fool! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

Ever Been This Drunk?

Blind Guys and Blondes

A blind man and his seeing-eye dog enter a bar and make their way to the middle of the bar.
After ordering a drink the blind guy says to the bartender, “You like to hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes so quite you could hear a pin drop.
In a low voice, the woman sitting next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know some facts, the bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' 2” tall, 210 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
Also, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a female boxer. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it for a minute, Dude. You still want to tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

This is your car on drugs

Doing drugs and driving a car never work out very well.

Britney Spears Abandons Stage

Banned Beer Bitch Commercial

Springbreak Mistake

Drunk Banned From Iraqi Wal-Mart

A drunk middle-aged Iraqi man has been arrested at the Iraq Wal-Mart Store located in Bagdad. Authorities claim the man is currently banned from Wal-Mart until after his execution next week.
In addition to the charge of being intoxicated, apparently Wal-Mart camera surveillance has video of the following allegations.

1) Took 28 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts.

2) Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

3) Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

4) While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

5) Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”


Wal-Mart made a press release later that day and stated the man was probably just having some fun and agreed to lift the ban after the man has been executed.
(fictional)

Sixty-Nine

A Chinese man comes home after a late night of drinking, and gets in bed next to his sleeping wife.
After lying silently for a few minutes, he wakes up his wife and says "Hey babe, want to do a sixty-nine?
"Well, of all the nerve! First you come home in the middle of the night, you're drunk, and now you expect me to go to the kitchen and fix you sweet and sour chicken with white rice!"

Due to my Catholic upbringing...

As I walked down a crowded street, knowing I was late for an important business meeting, my eye fell upon one of those less fortunate, homeless people that are found in every city nowadays.

Some bystanders turned to stare. Others quickly looked away, afraid the bum might ask for some change.

Remembering a priest from my childhood who made an admonition to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked', I was moved by something deep inside me to reach out to this unfortunate person.

This homeless person was wearing what could be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this sorrowful persons condition.

I wondered how did they get this way? Was it drugs? Alcohol? It didn’t matter.

Yes, some people saw only rags, but I saw a hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my mind said:

Reach out, Reach out!






So I did....





I won't be at church on Sunday!

Forwarded to A/H by Ally B.

Phychiatrists vs Bartenders

As a young child I always had a fear that someone or something was hiding under my bed at night. Even after I became an adult this fear still haunted me. After years of dealing with this problem daily I decided that it was time to seek professional help from a psychiatrist.

I made an appointment, and when the time came I told the shrink, 'I have a big problem. Every night when I go to bed I think there's somebody under it that wants to harm me. I'm tired of living in fear and I think I'm going insane.'

'You have a serious issue but I believe that we can cure it in about one year' replied the shrink. 'We should discuss this three times a week and we should be able to remove those fears.'

'How much do you charge?' 'One hundred dollars per hour,' replied the doctor. 'I'll think about it,' I said.

Three months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about that problem you were having?' he asked.

'Well, one hundred dollars a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender fixed me for free.

'I find that hard to believe!' he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender fix you?'

'He suggested I cut the legs off the bed! Now I know for sure that no one is there!'

The bottom line is before you spend your hard earned money on a psychiatrist have a drink and talk to your bartender!

Don't Touch Me

The bartender was cleaning the countertop when an old Irishman came in. The Irishman had a bad leg and he limped in, sat down, and asked for a glass of whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus sitting down there?"

The bartender responded yes, and the Irishman told him to give Jesus a glass of whiskey as well.

The next customer was a sickly Italian with a bad back. He slowly walked up to the barstool and asked for a glass of white wine. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of white wine, also.

The third customer, a redneck, walked in and yelled. "Bartender, set me up a cold beer. Then he asked if in fact that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar? The bartender nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold beer too.

As Jesus got up to leave the bar, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him on the leg and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman, his leg healed, got up and danced a jig to the door.

Jesus touched the Italian on the back and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten up and he did a flip out the front door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and said, "Don't touch me, I'm receiving disability!"

Top Ten Things That Are Impossible to Say When You're Drunk

10) No, I won’t have one for the road. My wife has dinner cooked and I need to go home now.
9) I’m sure you’ll meet someone who’s perfect for you but you’re really not my type.
8) Well hello officer, isn’t it a beautiful night out tonight?
7) No matter what you say I won’t fight you.
6) I’m sorry but I only sing in the shower…never in public!
5) Where’s the nearest bathroom? I won’t vomit here in the street.
4) Its 10pm and I have to leave now so I get enough rest to wake up fresh for work tomorrow.
3) I’m sorry but I don’t dance because I’m so uncoordinated.
2) No, I don’t want to use my ATM card to withdraw more cash.
1) Could you drive me to rehab? I think I have a drinking problem.

Freudian Slip

Two friends met at a bar just outside Philadelphia. While having a few beers the first man confided in his friend that he had recently made a Freudian slip. He said that just the other day he asked the train conductor for a picket to Tittsburgh.
His friend acknowledged that he also did something similar just the other day. He said that he was having breakfast with his wife and instead of saying, “Honey, can you pass the cream he said, “You bitch, you’ve ruined my life!”

Free Beer

A guy goes into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $6.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
The guy then goes outside and tells a friend he sees that the bartender can't remember if his customers have paid.
The second man then goes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same scam.
The barkeep responds, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Then that customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get some free drinks.
The man rushes into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here today. Two guy’s were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the nose."
"The nerve of some people," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

The Bar Bully

There was this man sitting at a bar staring at his drink. The man stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, the bar bully sits down next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and drinks it down. The poor man starts crying.
The bar bully says, “Come on, I was just having fun. Look, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a grown man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. Today is the worst of my life. First, I wake up late. My boss is very angry and fires me for not being on time.
When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out someone stole it. The police said all I can do is make a report.
I get a cab to go home, and when I leave, I remember I left my wallet in the cab. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with my best friend. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was going to end my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Man Arrested for DUI Riding a Mortorized Barstool

Girls Gone Weed

Drunk Girl in Valencia

Four Son's

Four men are in a bar drinking. One leaves to go to the bathroom. There are three men left. The guys start talking about their sons. First man says "I thought my son was going to be a disappointment. He started out sweeping floors for Joe the Barber. But then he graduated from Yale and became the owner of a car dealership and he just gave his best friend a free car for his birthday."

The second man says, "Well, I thought my son would be a disappointment too. It was almost the same exact thing that happened to my son as to yours except he swept floors for a advertising company. But soon, he became the owner of that company and gave his friend 100,000 dollars for his birthday."

The third man says "Hey that was the same thing that happened to my son except he swept floors for a real estate agent. But soon he became the owner of the place and gave his best friend a house for his birthday."

The fourth man comes back from the bathroom. The guys explain to the other man what they were talking about and asks him if he could tell about them his son. He agrees. "Well, my son is a real disappointment to me. He works as a hair dresser and has for ten years. He is also gay and has several boyfriends. Well, I like to look on the bright side, from his boyfriends he got a new house, a new car and 100,000 dollars for his birthday."